Crying, Depression, Everything mixed into one.
I cry all the time. Hey, crying is words the mouth cant express. But, I cry ALL the time. Going up the stairs, listening to music, I guess my depression is getting worse. I've tried everything. Well, besides pills. I don't believe those work. I don't know who to talk to or what to say. I can't explain why I feel this way. I can't kill myself because I have no good reason to. I guess I have to deal with it. But everyday it's getting harder and harder to breathe and function. God. Somethings happening I can't understand I guess. I'd rather sit in a corner and cry than be with my friends and family.
I feel alone now'a days. Yeah I'm just writing down how I feel. I don't expect anyone to care. I mean, who cares about a teenager being depressed and on the verge of doing something that I know I'll regret. I've talked to people and they give me the same answer "It'll get better." I've waited all these years for it to get better but it's just getting worse. I haven't been truely happy for more than 2 years. I haven't actually smiled for real for that long. Every smile I've given to people was a fake, pain hiding smile. I apologize for the length of this confession. I just have to get something out. I feel myself exploding slowly. I can't hold this in and I'm not sure how long I can deal with everything that's going on. I know one person who truely knows me may be reading this and saying, "Aw." but, aw doesn't explain it. No words do. I can't get myself to be really happy. I just want to be with 4 amazing people but I know it's never going to happen. I'll never get to hug them and be with them for as long as I need. I might see them for a brief minute then just leave forever never seeing their faces again unless they are on stage. I want to be their wives. There for them when they need it, supplying never ending hugs and love. I want to be that person but I know I can't and I won't. They don't understand or know how much they mean to me but the pain I feel while being away from them is so strong I don't know what to do with all those feelings.
If you've read all this, Thanks for somewhat caring.