Missing my First Love

He was older than me. I was 14 when it started, and he was 19. He pinned me up against a garage wall and gave me the sweetest kiss that sent my head spinning. He pressed his hard body against me, held me in his arms and made me feel alive for the first time in years after all the pain I'd felt. He wanted me, but I held out for 8 months. All the while, he never stopped trying: kissing me till I couldn't think, touching my body in ways no one had before and saying the most intense things to me.

I finally gave in one April day and invited him inside me. After that, he stopped being so sweet. He started coming over, banging me and then leaving right away afterward, and he wouldn't admit to anyone that we were together. I felt worthless, stopped eating and started cutting. I just wanted to feel alive again like I had at first. So many others had hurt me that I couldn't really handle this. The last straw was when he started dating one of my best friends, and he didn't hide that relationship unlike ours. I was so shattered by it that I couldn't think for days afterward.

Even after all he put me through and the 9 years that have passed, I still think of him with quivering insides. I want to be kissed with that much passion again. I want to be held, touched and seduced until I'm completely powerless. He's the only one who ever did that to me. I have 3 kids and have been with 7 other men, and none of them have come close. When I gave my virginity to him, I promised to always love him, and I guess I will keep that promise.

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