I'll Never Be Satisfied
I'm a 25 year old guy who has always struggled with his identity. In recent years, I've begun to question my sexual preferences, and I've come to the conclusion that I'll never be emotionally or sexually satisfied unless I can be in a relationship with a convincing male-to-female transsexual. I'll explain.
I love women. I was raised by a single mother, an aunt and several female cousins. I had no male figure in my life growing up outside of an uncle I didn't see very often, and I only have five male friends and dozens of female friends. I feel more comfortable being around women I know and trust than men, but at the same time, I've always been EXTREMELY shy around women I don't know, especially ones I find attractive.
I find the female form so captivatingly beautiful that I often buy beauty and fashion magazines just to stare at the women. It's my version of p***, I guess. Some guys like Playboy, I like Vogue. Anyway, I love the female body: Women are soft, cute, curvy and everything sexy.
That said, I'm also attracted to penises. I don't know exactly how I came to realize this, but a few years ago I began experimenting and discovered that I prefer penises over vaginas. The problem is that I'm not attracted to men as a whole. I don't like their personalities most of the time, I don't get turned on by their faces, body hair, a****, chests...none of that. I just like penises - feeling them in me, sucking them, making them c**. When I 'm pleasuring a p****, I feel sexy and desired in a way I never feel with women.
I don't mean for this to sound like a perverted erotica story. I'm just trying to be honest.
The point of all this is that I know I could never be happy unless I met a gorgeous, graceful, smart, classy and funny girly-girl with a big, functioning p****. I know some people would suggest a strap-on, but it's not the same.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm doomed to being lonely and miserable for the rest of my life because of my freakish attraction. There are no opportunities to meet pretty trans girls where I live (Bible Belt state), and my family would disown me if I brought such a girl home.
Honestly, when I think about this stuff my mind tends to lead me to thoughts of suicide. I figure, what's the point of going on if I'll never find happiness or completion with someone because of these feelings?