Lost in this world
At around age 13 I became extremely curious as to the size of my friend's penises. How did I compare? Were they huge? Small? I touched one of my friend's penises when he was sleeping, not knowing that it would lead to an addiction. I have now touched 10 guys' penises in their sleep over a 5 year period. I briefly sucked one of the guys. Two of the guys have woken up and knew I did this -- they never said anything, but we aren't friends anymore.
I m********* to guys, I constantly fall in love with my best friends, and I know I truly am gay. But I have never told anyone.
And I know I will never tell anyone.
I'll get married to a girl, I'll lie to her for my entire life, we'll have kids and I'll act like I'm happy. And I'll take this secret to my grave.
I wish I wasn't gay. I wish I never touched any of my friends' penises in their sleep. And I wish I had someone in my life who I could tell all of this to who would truly accept who I am. Not only that, but who would not have any problems with me living my life as a lie.
I would rather not love at all than fall in love with a guy, particularly a close friend -- but that simply is not possible.
Anti-depressants are amazing.