I am in love with an ex boyfriend I haven't seen in a year.

And I always will love him. I dated him more times than one and I never treated him right. He was my first love and my first real boyfriend, but I didn't lose my virginity to him when we both know it should've been him. Instead, I cheated on the boy I did lose my virginity to with him, one night, because I was insecure about my relationship with the other guy and he had given me a lot of weed and alcohol. My friend made out with his older friend. He wanted me to leave my boyfriend and be with him, but I wouldn't do it. Then I agreed when I had broken up with the boy I'd lost my virginity to, but was already sort of dating his brother, and this other kid who lived in another town and really liked me. I hid at his house from the police and he actually hid me. I've never been anything towards him but a stuck-up, selfish, treacherous b**** and I am in love with him. We will never be an exclusive anything and it's doubtful anything that isn't purposely hurtful could be exchanged between us because of our history and how things have come to be. I was in front of him when he called me a s**** while talking about me (right behind him, in his friend's car) to some girl that doesn't like me that is friends with a fat s*** he cheated on me with when we were kids. We have loved each other since I hadn't even yet turned 12 years old and he only 14. For that long we have played cat and mouse and childish games. Only now; we've grown up. We're not kids anymore and he's forgotten about me. He's become entirely indifferent to me and I deserve nothing less. He's given me silence in return for all of the things I have done to him and nothing could be worse.

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