I don't know where I want to go, but I don't want to be here

The last year, and this year had been completely downhill for me. I usually don't like writing about it on the internet, because I think "somebody else is probably having an even worse time than me, I should be grateful for what I have and shut up". But... I just need to talk about it. Share it.

In the past months I slowly pushed almost everyone away from my life (out of my own pride, fear, bitterness, stupidity, immaturity...). After long days at work I came home feeling miserable but still my dog came to greet me with happiness, it made me smile and I usually told her "Well, at least you're still happy to see me...". My dog passed away a couple of weeks ago, after half my life with me. When she died it was very difficult. It still is.

Last week I spent some days at the hospital. Nobody knew, nobody came to visit, nobody called. Only the people from my office, who I had to tell I wasn't going to be able to go for a couple of days. It was then I realized how far away I have pushed everybody.

Yesterday, feeling lonely, I went to a public chatroom (which I haven't done since junior highschool). Ignoring the "I'm h****" guys, I met someone who just wanted to chat. It was a high schooler, a girl from Tunisia. We talked about our countries, about the curiousity of timezones, about what we do with our lives. She told me she wanted to get an scholarship to go to college in Japan. That made me smile. I used to have exactly the same dream. I studied japanese two years in highschool in hopes I could go to Japan, but every year the money was not enough, the time was just not right... Every year through college my dreams shrunk in size. Maybe... Maybe not Japan, maybe Canada, maybe the States, maybe somewhere inside my own country... maybe I should just stay at home and study from distance. I told the tunisian girl I sincerily hoped she got her scholarship, she told me she hoped I could find the job opportunity I had been dreaming for. My internet connection failed and our conversation was lost, I didn't even knew her real name, but the conversation really got me thinking.

I talked about this with a cousin who is older than me. He told me that when he heard me talking about my life, it was like hearing himself a few years ago. He told me that for some time in his early twenties, life appeared dull, his job appeared pointless and his dreams appeared to fly further away everyday. But he also told me that he no longer feel like this, he is very happy now. He had traveled to other countries, he's married and he found a job in which he feels very fulfilled.

That gave me some hope.

I feel like I have forgotten how to reach out to other people, I no longer remember how to make friends... I was never very good at it, actually.

If there's hope, I want to change my life. I just don't know where to start.

Mar 11, 2012

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  • First thing you need is a fuckmate

  • Aww don't worry! I feel the same... I didn't push anyone away. Its just my sister also my best friend has been a b**** to me lately and treating me like s***. It hurts. She's pushing me away. The only person I confide in doesn't want me anymore... I feel lonely too. But don't worry. What helps me is to think that there millions of people in the world to still meet! Wish i could start new like you sometimes. New people you meet won't judge you on your past mistakes and you can correct mistakes on a person you made in the past.

    Practice meeting people. Talk to random strangers on the bus or something. Start small tho. Practice makes perfect you know!! Good luck with you life and remember you control your life, you control your happiness

    P.S. I'm also sorry about your dog. I'd go crazy if i loathing my dog too.

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