Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
When I was about 12 and began to have those hormones start to float around my system, I began to think lots of fun thoughts. I was never as interested in those my own age, though there were a few I dreamed of f******. I used to have dreams all the time about f****** these people at night. But the ones I really wanted were older women. I wanted nothing more than to be seduced by an older woman. There was a substitute teacher in my science class, who wasn´t particularly the most gorgeous woman, but I could feel she and I had similar sexual energies. I remember her sitting with her feet crossed. I could smell her hose mixed with her feet and I was so turned on, I wanted to suck her right there. I wanted to bury my head in her puss and suck it all. I wanted my best friend´s hot mom to seduce me and teach me how to s**** to to make it the most pleasureable, not for me, but for her. There was a 55-year-old woman I know now (quite a bit older than I am). I want to bury my head in her b****** and suck and suck, then do 69 all night long and do it again. She is so young at heart and so young-looking as well. Even a 65-year-old lady and I used to flirt together. She seemed 16 at heart and we loved teasing each other sexually, I could tell. I wanted so badly to ask her to go to a motel room and do it all. This was when I was 35. And I j******* all the time thinking about these women. I also have the most beauitful cousins in the world. One of them is truly the 2nd most beautiful woman I´ve seen in the world. I would give anything with five minutes sucking her t***. I remember my best friend´s sister came to live with us when I was 13 and I was hot to trot for her, too. I lived with another friend I went to and stayed the summer, and he had a sister that was 18 while I was 12. I just wanted her to seduce me. If she´d have even hinted at anything, I´d have slept with her in a minute. I had just figured out I needed a vibrator to m********* and didn´t have one at their place, so I felt trapped, like I couldn't let out. She had freckles all over. When she wore her bathing suit, I almost couldn´t help going over and sliding down part to view her prized jewels. Her bod, her t***, her butt, her face, was all so perfect, I wanted to die, just looking at her. Even now, it may seem crazy, but I have an 1100 page Word document full of x-rated stories, photos (especially of my cousins), x-rated stories, nude photos, hard-core Internet links, and all kinds of other little goodies, especially the nude pix. I'm awful, but I just love and crave to look at them all the time, especially while j**********. I just want to sleep with everything that moves sometimes, and pleasure them and get pleasured on ever square centimeter of our bodies. I crave it so badly I'm jerking off 7-10 times a week. It seems better than the real thing, strangely. I even get off on reading things on this forum like the guy who wants his mother-in-law, which seems pretty exciting. Taking each other's clothes off and not minding it and not telling the wife. Another story was about a guy who left his wife at an x-rated arcade and when he came back, another guy's c*** was in her and his wife proceeded to give him a b*******. For some reason, I really get off on all this stuff, the forbidden, the non-allowable stuff in our society.
OK, sorry I'm dragging this out so far. Now the bad part. I´m married. I also almost divorced and got together with a younger Slovak girl a few years ago. She and I started kissing and growing closer and closer over a period of several months that we had known each other at work. It culminated in a lot of fun things, but which got us into trouble, especially when I tickled her t*** and tickled her v***** almost to the point, she blasted off. Later, I also got to slide my hand down her soft bum and touch her t*** underneath her clothes. She tweaked my t*** also and gave me a good griding one day and let me see her t***. It was a blast at the time, especially thinking about getting married, all the talk of all the oral s** and other types of things we were going to do to each other. But she would never quite sleep with me until after a divorce and we two were married, she said. Anyway, the fact I was married complicated things, as well as making me feel awful sometimes (when I wasn't thinking about my Slovak girlfriend) about betraying my family. Also, I work for an ecclesiastical organization, which, if they found out I was even thinking about this stuff, they´d probably fire me. And my church background is pretty strict against no p**********, doing as the scriptures say and not even thinking about another woman, staying with your family, even if you are going through hard times or don't feel "in love". And my jerking off is nicer than doing it with my wife, for some strange reason, even when I'm fantasizing about someone else. So I'm really actually being a j*** to my family, wife, and church (not to mention employment). I don't know what to do. I could go to my ecclesiastical leader, but it might lead to loss of my employment. Maybe I don't even deserve it anyway; I don't know. I feel like a true Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, almost psycho because I'm trying to be two people at once. What do I do? I don't know if a shrink is a good answer; I've tried it before and it didn't work for me. Sometimes I'm just ashamed and don't feel worthy to be my daughter's father and other times, can't wait to get alone to get out the vibrator and j******* to some beautiful image on the computer, especially my cousins, the most beautiful people I have seen in the entire world. What do I do?