My parents killed themselves

It was so many years ago. I was a child. I'm an adult now. Relatively normal. Seemingly well adjusted. People who don't know me assume at my age that my parents are still alive. But they're not. When I was a kid my father shot himself in the head. I found his body. A few years later my mother's drug addiction finally consumed her and she overdosed. I guess it's an indirect suicide. The few people who know how my parents died think it doesn't bother me. Even the ones who do know have no idea of how many nightmares I had where my father's body was lying there and the blood was gushing from his head. I spent the last few years of my youth in foster homes under the care of people who told me they only let me live there because they felt sorry for me. Or because they wanted to feel good about themselves by helping the poor foster children that nobody wanted. I sometimes wonder if I'm meant to just end it all too. I just don't know what the point of living is anyway. Yet I'm the one who listens to everyone else's problems and gives advice. People think I'm the wise one. So together. I'm not. If I ever thought I was I was kidding myself. What's the point? I can't tell everyone everything will be alright when I don't believe it myself. I keep telling myself that one day things will be better, that I'm my own person. But I have no one to live for but myself. If the future is nothing but emptiness and pain then why torture myself?

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  • Ive been exactly where you are various times in my life. All I can say is you need to find something to live for. That makes you excited about the future or if nothing else, in the moment. Whether it be watching a movie to distract yourself, going to the lake and relaxing your mind or eating your favorite food. Live for the day. Just get by day by day and eventually you WILL find purpose.

  • Thank you for your response. What you say is true. The thing is I've done that. I'm doing that. I do enjoy the simple things in life. I enjoy seeing the sunset make oceans of color in th sky. I enjoy pursuing my hobbies. I enjoy spending time with friends. But at the end of the day the emptiness is still there. It just reminds me of how empty, lonely and pointless my life really is. I've been taking it day by day for more years than I care to admit. I'm embarassed to say how old I am because my life has changed so little since I graduated high school, became an adult and started life on my own. Every one of my friends has moved on in their lives. They get married, have children, move away as I stand on the sidelines. I can take it day by day but all I'm doing is surviving. I want to be loved. I want to feel important to someone. I want to matter to someone. There's a pit inside me that will never be filled. For some reason I'm just meant to be alone.

  • I think you should just wait. Just try to enjoy what you have. Try to think positive. Thats all you need.

  • You should not say that someday things will get better. You should say that every morning about that current day. Go out, feel the sunshine on your skin and the wind in your hair (if you have hair). Don't think about death anymore, you'll be dead soon enough anyway. If you don't have anything to lose, you're a lucky person, you can take risks and not care about anything. S*** happens, I went through even worse things, but wasting my life over them is not worth it. Do you really want to die now, knowing that all you ever felt was sadness? Or do you want to try and laugh? There are good things out there too, even if they are rare. And yeah, this planet is mostly filled with s***. But if what's inside of you isn't s***, then that's all that matters. Don't let what happened to you destroy your happy side. Accept it and chose not to let it do you any more harm. And don't forget that what you "wish" for when you're depressed will happen really really soon anyway.

  • I too am so sorry for your losses and the way it was so dramatic. I lost my dad in a terrible way also and I so understand your nightmare's and the images that never seem to leave. The person before me is right, only one thing will keep you sane, Don't misunderstand not all days are good you will still have the bad but if you be still in your thoughts God will comfort you in your pain. Good Luck in your healing my friend.

  • I'm very sorry to hear about your losses. The things that you had to go through are horrid, and no one else could appreciate the effect that they would have to have had on your soul. When I was in despair, I cried out to Jesus Christ and asked Him to take over my life, and guide me into places of joy rather than pain. You will find that no friend will stick closer to you than Him. Good luck and blessings upon upon you, P.

  • You need to stop spewing the Jesus stuff all over the boards here. It's clear all the Jesus posts are from you. Religion is a form of comfort that brings peace to some, not all. Some people need a little more than what religion brings.

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