My Grandmother almost died

My Grandmother almost died recently.... I felt bad because my parents didn't tell me about it until a week after it happend, but that's not the worst part. She was going into knee surgery, and the doctors gave her painkillers. The problem was, she had already taken painkillers. She went into a coma of some sort, and got very sick. It messed up her knee too. She almost died, but barely made it.
The problem is, I kinda wished she had died. It seems like a horrible thought, and I wish I could say I never thought it. But I did. I just don't like her... When my mother was young, her mother always made exscuses not to go to work, or take care of her children. She would even deliberately make herself get sick, and it caused my mother to feel like her mother could die any day... They also fought alot but that's all I could get from eavesdropping... So I don't really know my grandmother very much. Also, she's addicted to painkillers. That's why she had the problems with the knee surgery. And I've always hated her, I was even scarred of her because I had heard what she has done, and other things. The painkillers make her high, and mess with her brain, so she's always a little... Crazy, but that's a kind of mean word :/.... I am just so confused right now. The good part is she's suppose to go to rehab, but from overhearing phone conversations I heard she tried to sneak more pills.... I just hope my parents are telling the truth when they say she's doing better. I just hope I will never wish she would be dead again, because I honestly would and should never think like that.... It makes me scared of my self to even think like that. I also hope my mom wont ever call her a b**** behind her back again either :(....

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