"I wouldn't exactly call it 'living'"
Every time I think of how to say what I feel when it comes to this, I always have a trillion thoughts racing at once, and this incredible sadness over power me.. I can never speak, because I find myself holding back tears.. And it's all because I miss you..
No one ever knows what to say, because most of them don't believe me when I say I genuinely will never find another person that is able to flow so effortlessly with me.
For the first time in months, I looked at my pictures of us. Watched videos we made.. Just because I missed your voice.. To see your smile. To see your face. To see the one person who can easily stop me in my foot steps and freeze my entire world.
I still cry for you and I hate it.. Because it's not going to bring you back. I know you don't want to think about me. Talk about me. Hear about me. Remember me.. Only want to forget me.
And that hurts me.. Hits me so deep inside.. Because I would give anything to be able to forget you, just for one day..
I know my friends don't ask, because they assume I'm okay.. I haven't been since the day we broke apart.
I've done so much thinking, and all I wanna do is tell you what I've realized and what I know.. This isn't easy for me, sweetheart. My world is dark without you.
I've tried to move on.. And at the end of the day, I always end up thinking how no one will ever make me laugh like you did.
Im tired of hearing that this is a phase, and that it takes time to get past this.. Because I know 20 years from now, you could enter my life once more and I'd drop everything at that moment for you.
You were suppose to be the one I grow old with.. Have the coolest little kids with.. Get that cute little house with a huge back yard..
Of course, living a full life is something I'm capable of.. But that doesn't mean I won't sit there and have the feeling that I somehow would be happier.. Settle easier.. If you were here.
I told you I would always love you.. And I never doubted those words for a second. I would give anything to wake up to you again. I would give anything to know I'm not in this alone.. Because all these pictures got me thinking.. We were happy. It didn't matter what we said, how loud we screamed, if we argued for hours or if we made a scene- i still got to kiss you goodnight. I still felt you hold me when we fell asleep. That's what mattered.. That's what kept me going. That pretty little smile of yours. Those perfect hands. That contagious laugh. The extraordinary love we shared.
It's difficult for me to believe it could go so fast.. That one night is being proven too power of an experience to forget.. I want to say you didn't, but actions always speak louder than words.. And it kills me every day that my mind says to move forward but my heart screams to stay put.
I know we said things we didn't mean.. I know we did things out of anger.. And that will never make me love you less. Or ever run your name in the dirt.
Until I have you here darling,
The sun won't shine as bright,
And all my nights will be cold.
My smile will always be a facade,
And my heart will always yearn for you.
If you ever read this, just know it's for you. I'm forever waiting.. Forever yours. F. A. M. I. L. Y