Complicated.

So...their's this guy. I really like him. He's cute(doesn't matter though), smart, funny, and nice to everybody. He's perfect and my friends say I'm in love like crazy because I talk about him all the time. He's my hero. The problem?

He doesn't exist. Pathetic, right? He's from stories and my dreams...his name...is Benny Weir. Yes, it's a kid's show. Yes, I'm not a kid anymore. Actually, I don't remember the last time I did something that I want to do for fun. Not a kid anymore. (When I say this, I mean like kid at heart.) My friends will ask me what's wrong because I'm not talking. I used to be the one who never shut up. I'll just say I'm tired...which is half true. I spend the night crying about Benny. Some times I think...God doesn't want me to be happy...which is ridiculous because God wouldn't do that, right? I feel so guilty... So... I started to believe that I couldn't be with Benny because of who I am. I'm now anorexic and cutting. Today is actually my two month aniversary of cutting...yay...? So...I just have to put all my confessions on here and let it all out.

I'm afraid my friends will turn on me somehow. It's not their fault, I love them all so much...but...why do they like me? I'm worthless...nothing. The only reason I'm alive is because of music and my friends. And my best friend since pre-school knows my 3rd biggest secret after anorexia and cutting. Please don't laugh...or do. I'm pathetic. I have a fear in dolls...you have no idea how hard it is to write this. I guess the monsters(what I call them) are a symbol of the pain. It just makes me realize that they're perfect...and I'm not. Also, this is going to sound really weird...but I hate how if you try to cut them, nothing happens. However, if you cut me, I'll probably sit there akwardly, wanting to thank you for saving some of my time. So... I have a fear of perfection...I guess?

I'm not going to share everything. This is like a summary.
Anyways...I've lost most of my hope. But I'll keep trying. For my friends. For music. And for Benny.

But not for me, I'm a pathetic girl who nobody has ever liked or ever will like.

Alone. Dark. Empty.

I'm sorry for sharing this but I had to...things are getting to complicated.

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2 Comments

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  • A couple of points:

    - You're not pathetic, please stop saying that.

    -I don't know why you'd ever feel guilty, I mean trust me, the things I've seen on this site are way more messed up than what you confessed.

    - You said you have friends but you're afraid to lose them. well you seem like a good person to talk to and if I was your friends I'd be afraid of losing you.

    - You should tell someone that you cut, I mean I'm no therapist but you might have a mental disorder that can and should be cured.

    I hope you find true happiness whoever you are.

    You don't seem like a bad person at all so don't feel guilty and remember: Benny and I will always be there for you :)

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