I don't even know what happened to my life

I confess that I'm not working at a Blooming Dales and a Jamba Juice like I tell my parents. I confess that I've been selling my body to men for a lot of money to pay for school and to pay all of my bills. I confess that I'm having a really deep affair with a married man who hates his career and wife. I confess that he told me he loved me after s** one night and it scared me because I know he really means it. I confess that even though I've told him that I love him and I really do. I don't think I love him as much as I let him believe. I confess that I recently asked him for money to pay my rent and am now using part of that money to pay for an abortion. I confess that I've lost 50lbs by throwing up my food and then proceed to tell everyone that I lost the weight by eating right and playing just dance.I confess that I'm more ashamed of being bulimic than I am of being a w**** or an adulteress. I confess that I'm hiding at least 12 very deep secrets from everyone I know. This is not at all what I pictured my life to look like when I turned 18 but from the outside looking in I'm sure all of my friends would kill to be where I am. I once thought about just killing myself for being an awful person but then I didn't because I figured when everyone gathers for my funeral all of my secrets will come pouring out and it they will all be so hurt by me and that's the last thing I want.

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  • You are so not an awful person. Be with the guy your with and just let things happen, don't try and force it in one way or another. He obviously loves you and you love him, so how can that possibly be wrong or bad? Keep yourself open for him.

  • Sorry..........don't know why that posted twice. Apologies.

  • First, you need to stop kicking yourself over what amounts to nothing. I know it all seems horrible to you, but that's because you're responding to common convention that the culture tries to impress on everybody. All you've done so far is go out and find a man who loves you. And he not only loves you, he loves you more than he loves his own family. That's amazing! And it's beautiful. Let him love you, let him care for you, and return the love to whatever degree you feel it. The fact that abortion is such an inflamed issue proves that there are wildly different opinions on it. Our society, and our law, allows it, and so it's acceptable by definition. As for your eating issues, you can find help through a local support group or by referral from your own physician, and you should do that: don't wrestle with it alone and don't let it affect your health. And finally, you should put from your mind the idea that you're a w**** or an adulteress: you're neither. As for being a prostitute, you should only leave that life if you don't like it, or if you can make better money elsewhere, or if the manner of connections you make place you in danger (e.g., streetwalking as opposed to call-outs). But being an adulteress is ENTIRELY a matter of perspective: there is one way of looking at your relationship with the married man that is very sexy, very hot, and very beautiful --- that he has chosen to be with YOU, not his wife or his family, each time he comes TO you, and each time he comes IN you --- and that's the way you should look at it. For what it's worth, I think you're a wonderful young girl, and a wonderful life awaits you: go out and take it. (And go take that man! You know HE wants it.)

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