How Broken I am
I lie. I lie like a snake in the grass and I manipulate. I hate myself for it, but it comes so easily. I push everyone away. My parents think that I'm living with room mates when I'm living with a boy I don't love, with his parents. I like him well enough, but it isn't love. I make myself look and act together when I see no point in living. I have to set arbitrary dates to live till, just as motivation. I lie through my teeth. I don't trust myself enough to trust anyone else. I don't love myself enough to love anyone else. I'm alone and I don't feel like I have hope to be happy, so I get angry at myself. I have this rage and I keep it bottled up tight because it scares me. I smile and nod and fight myself every day. I wake up feeling desolate, because I have to endure thousands of breaths, thousands of heartbeats each day. I'm intelligent but I'm pathetic. I have no job. I confess that I do not know what to do, I have no future, and I do not know if I /want/ one. I confess that I have no hope. I confess that I'm too f****** cowardly to kill myself. That's all I want to say.