I love to dress up but i know its wrong...

I'm a 40 yo mainly hetro family man, father of 4 young kids, husband to my wife but I have a secret. I love to dress up, use make-up and then video/photograph myself. I do this at work in a quiet little room where I can lock myself in and not be disturbed.

Over the years I've bought quite a few fairly provocative outfits on eBay that are locked away in a cupboard in this room where I also have a digital camera and video camera set up on a tripod. Nearly all the garments and outfits I have bought are latex or pvc and nearly all of them are black. I love to look at and indeed wear tight fitting, dark shiny garments.

But my double life gets even more weird be because after I spend all this time dressing up and admiring myself in the mirror, I then attach a 7 inch long fake rubber c*** at waist height to the back of a chair where I then start the video camera rolling as I get down on my knees and perform oral s** on the rubber c***. I do this from different angles, heights and with different outfits, make-up and wigs. I also use a self-timer on a digital camera for close-up shots and stills as well. Over the years I've compiled quite a large collection of video's and photos of myself on a hard drive.

But it gets worse, when dressed up I also love to put myself in tight un-inescapable bondage. I gag my mouth with either a ballgag, ring-gag, full face harness or even just good old fashioned gaffa tape, chain & padlock my ankles together and cuff my wrists behind my back. I then perform in front of the camera by either looking helplessly into the lens or just squirm & wriggle about for a while. Once or twice when dressed up I have even gagged myself and completely hogtied myself down on the floor, leaving a key to the cuffs & padlocks near me in reach

These sessions usually result in me masturbating at the end as I'm either just admiring myself in the mirror, down on my knees sucking/licking a rubber c*** or in some type of self-bondage. If I was ever caught I'd lose my job. If my wife ever found out she'd be shattered. No one knows. I have a secret email address with an alias female name with a handful of anonymous male admirers who I have shared photos and video's of myself with. I've been told I look very convincing and very sexy and once or twice I have even ventured out late at night all dressed up and allowed myself to be seen but although this gives me an enormous rush, it's very hard to organise with wife and kids who have no idea.

After every 'session' I wind up feeling guilty and ashamed but end up just doing it all over again the next day. I find myself often fantasizing about giving a guy a b****** when I'm all dressed up and even in bondage (particularly down on my knees with my wrists tightly handcuffed behind my back) and find this scenario incredibly erotic.

Anyway, I know it's wrong and I know I'm betraying my wife, family & friends but I just can't stop and find the whole act of dressing up and performing in front of a camera very satisfying and kinky at the same time.

I guess if I wasn't married with kids, who knows? I might be a full on pre-op transexual but I AM married and still get a hard-on by seeing a beautiful girl, especially if she's wearing tight fitting black shiny latex or pvc.

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  • Wow
    swure would love to meet you
    you could c** at place & we could enjoy each other any time you felt h****. I dress up full time at home with my wifes full consent & another girl like us would be fun

  • {Hello website

    Following on from my last post, I felt the need to add more...

    I guess I'm living a kind of Jeckyll & Hyde existance. I watch sports, drink beer with mates, mow the lawns, just your average guy who even grows his beard out every now & then. I talk the talk and no-one would even have the slightest clue I harbour these thoughts & desires deep inside let alone actually act on them. It probably comes as no real surprise that my married s** life is almost non-existant. I'm just not interested in touching her let alone having s** with her. This causes me no end of guilt and self-loathing as I can see what it's doing to her as she desperately wants me to reach out to her so I try and make it up to her in other ways. This aspect of my dual life would probably be my biggest regret and source of my deepest shame because despite my efforts to live this 'taboo' double life in secret, it has adversely affected my real and 'normal' life.

    During my non 'active' days I just leave my work desk somedays, go to my little room, turn on the computer I have there and just look over photos I have taken of myself or edit my video's of me by changing the contrast or backlight (to make me look less male and more female) and then add sexy music etc..etc.. I then either just save the finished projects to look at later or email them out to various anonymous male admirers I have contact with (who always seem to be very appreciative and make me blush with their positive comments and also tell me my photos and video clips turn them on and helps them get off which in turn, turns me on)

    But on my 'active' days and I get the urge to dress up, I get so incredibly turned on and I excuse myself from my work desk (telling my work colleagues that I'm running a few errands and will be gone for an hour or two) and with my heart racing I lock myself in my other private room and begin to transform. I usually shave all over the night before and shave my face on the morning of the day I know I'm going to dress up as I don't like to see facial or body hair on me when I'm transformed. I start by picking out the outfit, the wig and other accessories I want to have on first, then I set up the camera's, lights and then begin my make-up. Finally I dress in the garments I originally picked out, make any changes as necessary and then grow a massive prolonged hard-on as I step back and admire myself in the mirror. Then I begin the video/digital camera session, indulge in a bit of self-bondage, film & photograph myself down on my knees sucking and posing with the realistic looking rubber c*** and then eventually finish by climaxing at the end by masturbating.

    It takes me quicker to undress and remove my make-up then it does to dress up and 'doll' myself up and by the time I return to my work desk (usually an hour and a half later, sometimes two) I look 'normal' again and just your average guy which is profoundly different to how I looked an hour before.

    I've often wondered; "why do I do this?" And can never really come up with a logical explanation. I remember dressing up for most of my older childhood life, starting with trying on my mother's clothes and a bit of occasional red lipstick from time to time when she was out and the house was empty, then a few garments from my older sister's wardrobe to eventually when I became an adult, buying my own women's clothes. But it was at this point it stopped being a desire to wear everyday stockings & skirts and more of a need to wear and experience the rush of feeling tight fitting spandex, lycra and rubber. Over time this experimentation evolved to needing and wanting to see, wear and feel figure-hugging latex and pvc on my body that HAD to be either shiny black or dark & shiny.

    I've always been hetro and never found it hard to attract girl's in my earlier years with good memories of fulfilling relationships, some sexual and others not. I still find good looking girl's gorgeous and impossible to resist but lately have been experiencing urges to not only go 'down' on a guy and feel his hard throbbing c*** in my mouth but want him to dominate me, mainly with bondage as well. I often imagine 'role-play' scenarios like; (Boss - secretary, Priest - altargirl, Cop - prisoner etc... etc...). These would be my most common fantasies and form the basis of my most deepest desires.

    But at the end of the day, my 'normal' side of me wins out and I don't want to lose my family, friends and average everyday life so I live my double life in secret, indulging in my fantasies whenever I can or when the urge comes along. I fear that one day, my 'double life' will be exposed and I stand to lose all that I hold dear but for now, I continue to shop on eBay for outfits and wigs, dress up whenever an opportunity presents itself, pose & perform in front of the camera like I'm some irresistible nymph pornstar and flirt with my anonymous male email 'friends' who tell me what I want and need to hear........

  • Who cares? At least you're not cheating.

    Anything is better than that. Trust me, as a woman. I'd be more relieved to find you doing that than f****** another woman.

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