I'm not what I wanted

I hate myself.
That's why I try and sleep so much.
Because as soon as I wake up, I'm going to remember what a disgusting human being I am.
I am so fat.
Everyone tells me I'm not and I know I'm not morbidly obese or anything, but I wish I wasn't so fat.
I hate everything about my body. I feel ashamed of my body and I want to slice my skin off.
I hate my b******, they're too big. I can't run, I can't dance, I can't jump, I can't wear that dress, I can't wear a fitted t-shirt, I can't even f****** bend over to pick something up because people will be like "oh my God she's such a s***, look at her t***". They make me a s** toy, not a human being.
That's all guys really want me for anyway. S**.
My thighs rub when I walk, my ass is huge and gross. I'm starting to get more cellulite because I've given up on working out. It doesn't do anything.
I can never find jeans that fit, I will never look like her, I will never have long skinny model legs.
I'm starting to build more fat on my stomach. I have to suck it in when I wear a fitted shirt.
I'm not what I wanted.
I always wanted to be a warrior kind of girl, one with rippling muscles and keen eyesight.
But I'm fat, and my vision sucks ass.
Even if I got contacts I would still know that in a way, I'm lying about the kind of girl I am.
I am not a warrior woman.
And I am not what I wanted.
I am neither virtuous, or intelligent, or kind to make up for my physical pitfalls.
I have despicable morals, and I'm dumb and isolated.
I shoplift.
I lie.
I drink.
I pop pills.
I throw myself into walls when I'm alone in hopes I'll be jarred into the body of the girl I want.
I "accidentally on purpose" cut myself when I'm shaving.
I think about suicide.
I have such intense paranoia and anxiety it causes me to isolate myself from others and hide everything meaningful to me.
I am not the strong, brave, beautiful warrior I wanted.
I'm just me.

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  • oh, so being fat is how you rationalize your druggie lifestyle and criminal activity....you are pathetic...and a very bad liar to yourself

  • This is depressing
    You give yourself such a hard time

  • please stop! your beautiful f*** the so called "look" it dosent mean s***! and trust me once you find the right guy he wont give a s*** if you sleep with him... he will just love you... my friend... she carved the word s*** into her arm because she stole my ex boyfriend when i was dating him.... now she has that reminder on her for the rest of her life... just think... when things do pick up in your life.... and trust me they will... you will have all those scars reminding you of your past.... i no my scars remind me of my stupidity and but i can live with it because my life has picked up since then.... a human body is to beautiful to destroy with a blade... please stop... i promise you things will get better... and like i was saying earlier once you find that one guy you will feel like the most beautiful woman in the world... i know i used to hate my body.. but now since i have found that guy... he makes me feel like that super model.... things will get better with time <3 i hope it works out for you...

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