I'm not what I wanted
I hate myself.
That's why I try and sleep so much.
Because as soon as I wake up, I'm going to remember what a disgusting human being I am.
I am so fat.
Everyone tells me I'm not and I know I'm not morbidly obese or anything, but I wish I wasn't so fat.
I hate everything about my body. I feel ashamed of my body and I want to slice my skin off.
I hate my b******, they're too big. I can't run, I can't dance, I can't jump, I can't wear that dress, I can't wear a fitted t-shirt, I can't even f****** bend over to pick something up because people will be like "oh my God she's such a s***, look at her t***". They make me a s** toy, not a human being.
That's all guys really want me for anyway. S**.
My thighs rub when I walk, my ass is huge and gross. I'm starting to get more cellulite because I've given up on working out. It doesn't do anything.
I can never find jeans that fit, I will never look like her, I will never have long skinny model legs.
I'm starting to build more fat on my stomach. I have to suck it in when I wear a fitted shirt.
I'm not what I wanted.
I always wanted to be a warrior kind of girl, one with rippling muscles and keen eyesight.
But I'm fat, and my vision sucks ass.
Even if I got contacts I would still know that in a way, I'm lying about the kind of girl I am.
I am not a warrior woman.
And I am not what I wanted.
I am neither virtuous, or intelligent, or kind to make up for my physical pitfalls.
I have despicable morals, and I'm dumb and isolated.
I pop pills.
I throw myself into walls when I'm alone in hopes I'll be jarred into the body of the girl I want.
I "accidentally on purpose" cut myself when I'm shaving.
I think about suicide.
I have such intense paranoia and anxiety it causes me to isolate myself from others and hide everything meaningful to me.
I am not the strong, brave, beautiful warrior I wanted.
I'm just me.