Simply Human

My classic excuse. 'We are simply human.' That is the simplest-complicated explanation. We do things that people may condemn us for. Of course, there's always room for improvement, things you can do to prevent committing those "crimes". But it's not always easy, it's not always right there, and most importantly, it's not always possible. It just isn't. And it doesn't define us. Or at least I'm sitting here, hoping it doesn't. How could I live with myself otherwise? 'You'd be surprised what you can live with', my conscious says. So far, it's proven to be true, yes; but it comes back at times and it has enough power to completely destroy your sanity. So many times I'd be walking, and those memories would flash back, and I'd feel this undeniable crisp pain shoot through my whole body. Mostly right in the gut. I know that feeling - I know it well. And I know that it'll never go away. Then I start to imagine, what would happen "if"? So many ifs, of course, but the one I have in mind is terrifying. That "if" is enough to keep me up for hours and hours, night after night after night. I cannot allow it to transform into reality. The logical side in me tells me that I deserve the realization of that "if", but if I want to avoid it, I have to avoid committing this unspeakable act ever again. And I know that. And I knew it when it happened the second, third, fourth, fifth time - and beyond. It's not unlike two people, two different personalities. One being the good-hearted, wanting to live/eat well, works hard one. The other being the fill-your-heart-with-smoke, lying, cheating, workaholic, destructive one. I am powerless. And of course there are countless people who are ready to throw you in the fire and define you as the worst human being one could possibly imagine or be. But it is NOT THAT SIMPLE! The only explanation is that we are simply human. That's it. Simply not simple. It's not just a matter of actions. Most of the time, your actions are driven by logic. Some of the time, they're driven by emotions and feelings. And feelings are irrational; but even the best of us know it can be impossible to control such emotional responses. And in turn, THEY start to control our actions.

But it's best to forget. Pretend nothing ever happened. Separate those events into a third person - one who has left the premises forever. Hopefully forever, anyway.

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