I wrote a confession a week ago titled
I wrote a confession a week ago titled "A Letter to a Love Lost," in which I am speaking to my ex about being hurt when I found out she had cheated. She's right-what a deushbag I am.
I waited three days after giving her that letter to confess to her that I had cheated, too, and now she wants no part of me. After spending 4 days driving her into the ground with a jackhammer, I confessed that I did the same thing that I was crucifying her for. I was unable to confess because I was too hurt and enraged; I was too ashamed of my own self, and I projected all of my insecurities and negative tendencies onto her. In turn, she became angry and defensive when all I wanted to see was sincere remorse so that I could say what I had to and have her understand my same remorse. Needless to say, she doesn't. I don't even think she feels bad about what she did anymore now that I have given her this to dwell on.
I can't blame her for feeling how she does, but I wish that she would understand that we both did the same thing to eachother-we both cheated, we both lied, we both covered it up by accusing the other of being inferior, and we both regret it deeply.
I told her that I cheated before her, yet she still does not believe me and thinks that it happened more than it did. I have no way of proving that this is not the case except to remind her that I have come forward with shameful acts, and that if I was not going to confess 100% of what I did, I would not be confessing at all.
She is currently beating me down just as hard or harder than I did to her, and with good reason. I just hope that it stops at one point. Whether it stops so that we can start treating eachother with respect, or if it stops so that we can pick up the pieces and continue on without eachother, I really can't wait for the day when I feel like more than a lonely, worthless piece of s***.
I walk around ashamed, defeated, guilty, and worthless. This girl might have made mistakes, but she was my world, and I was hers. Now she is convinced that I am nothing more than the lying, double-standard-holding, insincere f*** that I was for 4 days of last week, before I had the b**** to man up and confess.