What I wish I would have done or said
Sometimes I can't help but think of the things I wish I would have said or done in the times we had together. Like one of the night classes where we had to hold hands in the circle, I wish I had taken your hand differently, intertwining my fingers with yours and had the courage to let my thumb gently, inconspicuously caress your hand.
Or the time we happened to be coming out of the bathrooms at the same time and you said with that wicked grin of yours "I heard what you did in there, naughty naughty". Instead of getting embarrassed I wish I had said "You just have that affect on me" When we had gone to training together, and I was supposed to bandage your fake injury and you made fun of my attempt, what I wanted to say was "Well this isnt how I pictured myself being on my knees in front of you." In session, where you put your arm around me when we were joking around, I wanted nothing more in that moment to slide over and nestle into your body, feeling the warmth and security of you. Or when you took my hand, I wish I had held on longer and pulled you to me so I could get lost in the softness of your eyes a little longer. And the day you texted me to look out my window because you were walking by, what I wanted to say was "Baby I hate to see you leave, but I love watching you go" At graduation, I wish when you said you had your robe on to take pictures, I should have taken the hint and said lets go. And when we hugged after commencement, I wish I had the courage to move my kiss from your cheek to your mouth.
And a hundred times over in the secrecy of the night I wish I had just moved my arm a little over to bring my hand next to yours and had the courage to take yours.
But, the feelings were never mutual were they? I told you how I felt and you never said how you felt, but I guess that was mercy wasnt it?