Wants and Needs
I want to get into a relationship again. I want someone to love. Someone to hold and be there for, and just give my all to. To cuddle and talk to and say "I love you" to everyday. I just want someone I can love with all my being freely in my life.
But I want this, yet I also feel like I need someone in my life. My last relationship has shown that I'm not ready for romantic relationships yet if I feel like I need to be with someone to be fulfilled. That shouldn't be, it's not right. I should be able to fulfill myself first, my happiness isn't dependent on other people.
I have a huge crush on my coworker/best friend at the moment at this point. I love her truly and I want to be with her. Yet, she is not the romantic type. And I'm afraid of many things if I tell her I like her and am possibly falling in love with her: I'm afraid she doesn't feel the same way towards me, I'm afraid this will make us awkward between us, especially at work, and I'm afraid of getting hurt and hurting, of making the same mistakes like I did in my last relationship. I'm not ready for romantic love, yet I want and need romantic love so bad right now. Part of me thinks it would really work out if we got together, but what if it doesn't? I thought it would work out too in my last relationship, but it didn't, and my ugliness drove away the person I loved the most. Because I refused to be honest and love her completely for who she was. I miss her and feel regret to this day. I've fallen behind in my life so far down. I just want someone to tell me it's ok and that they love me, too, F. I just feel so lonely, really. And I want to be a part of that amazing experience of loving someone and them loving you back again. But this time, I want to do it right. It just makes me feel hopeless because there doesn't seem to be anyone atm who is a possible candidate for me to be in a relationship with, besides the cowroker who doesn't believe in romance. So tried filling in the gap I feel in my heart by talking with strangers online, hoping to make a meaningful connection and establish a meaningful relationship. Yet most of the time, it's only superficiality that I've come across. Many people over webchats want s**, yet, I do not want s**, despite me always wanting s** in my last relationship. All I want is a meaningful relationship and someone I could love with the whole of my being. I couldn't in my last relationship because of restrictions her family put and because she was so busy. I don't want that again. I want someone who has the time for me and where my love isn't bound by any restrictions, at most of the time. A part of me really hopes we could be something more, F. I'm sitll afraid, but still, I hope. Because I'm falling in love with you, I think, and I want to be more than friends. For now, though, the gap in my heart still exists, and I'm still looking for a meaningful relationship among digital connections...