I am a mess

I am a total mess, a disgusting human being.
I have lied , cheated, kept secrets. I am very defensive , i am in denial All the time. I just came to realise i dont know why i am this way and i want to change.
I want to be a better girlfriend, mother, daugther, cousin, neighbour.... I am very nasty person. My partner said he would have smashed my face up if it wasnt pretty. Although i dont see myself pretty one bit.. i feel like my partner and i wont stay together forever, as the more we argue the nastier it gets. he told me last night he wished we never dated. I have heard all hurtful words you can imagine. Theres nothing he could say that would hurt me anymore. I hate myself. The only reason im still here is because i am still in denial. I know he would take good care of our child as he is a perfect boyfriend and and done nothing wrong.
I have started self harm to get back at myself for doing this to us. I am not proud of it. But i enjoyed the painpp and felt like i should be doing this to myself.. i am very sick in the head. I also have this sick love to my partner. I cant explain it. He says i dont love him, because of all ive done. But i know i do love him more than i love myself. And i am very selfish. I think its my own kind of love ,it is sick, but it is love..
I want to bring back time and dont do things i have done. It is impossible. I need help but i cant see therapist, my partner wouldnt understand and probably get mad. How can i sort myself out ? Or i am a lost course....

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  • I understand.

    Even though i may have no children, or a lover who thinks i don't love him.

    I can relate to the pain. The self harm. The self hatred.

    Life is just a bunch of bullshit.
    But...you have a child who loves you...and needs a mother, not just a father. And your partner needs you. Push harder. Show him you love him. Tell him. Hug him. Kiss him. Apologize for your mistakes. Let him know that you need him and want him to be with you.

    Its tough, i truly understand. But you're life is not going to build itself up...you need to take action. Not let others do it for you.
    I wish you a long, healthy life. A happy life.
    I may not know you...but I'm rooting for you.

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