I am a mess
I am a total mess, a disgusting human being.
I have lied , cheated, kept secrets. I am very defensive , i am in denial All the time. I just came to realise i dont know why i am this way and i want to change.
I want to be a better girlfriend, mother, daugther, cousin, neighbour.... I am very nasty person. My partner said he would have smashed my face up if it wasnt pretty. Although i dont see myself pretty one bit.. i feel like my partner and i wont stay together forever, as the more we argue the nastier it gets. he told me last night he wished we never dated. I have heard all hurtful words you can imagine. Theres nothing he could say that would hurt me anymore. I hate myself. The only reason im still here is because i am still in denial. I know he would take good care of our child as he is a perfect boyfriend and and done nothing wrong.
I have started self harm to get back at myself for doing this to us. I am not proud of it. But i enjoyed the painpp and felt like i should be doing this to myself.. i am very sick in the head. I also have this sick love to my partner. I cant explain it. He says i dont love him, because of all ive done. But i know i do love him more than i love myself. And i am very selfish. I think its my own kind of love ,it is sick, but it is love..
I want to bring back time and dont do things i have done. It is impossible. I need help but i cant see therapist, my partner wouldnt understand and probably get mad. How can i sort myself out ? Or i am a lost course....