Self-control? Maybe it'd be less confusing to be reckless...
I am a closeted bisexual woman. I'm aching to be with a woman that I work with. She's not conventionally "pretty", whatever that means, but when I watch her I find myself thinking about how g****** beautiful she is. The colour of her eyes, the way her hair falls over one eye, her lips, her fingers, all of the colours of her laugh... And she doesn't realise how beautiful she is, either.
I didn't understand it at first. I found her compelling and confusing in ways that I couldn't quite explain. I worried about her if she seemed in a bad mood, even though we had barely spoken before, and felt a blush of joy if she remembered a little detail about my work. But all people can be intriguing in their own way, so I thought.
Then, one afternoon, she stopped by to ask about one job I was covering. We were chatting, and I suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to hold her... run my fingers through her hair... kiss her softly, and then less softly... I would take charge, and make her understand this fervent, unknown feeling. It was alarming, to say the least, and I hope it wasn't obvious how distracted I was.
Now? We've started talking a little more, and even crack jokes now, so I guess we're well on the way to being friends.
But she's straight. She doesn't suspect me of being anything other than straight. And I'm not sure that she would be okay with my sexuality at all, let alone how I feel about her in particular. I don't want her to hate me or feel uncomfortable around me. Please god, don't let her hate me.