If I had a psychologist, this is what
If I had a psychologist, this is what I'd say:
How can I be happy again? I feel so alienated. Who are my friends? Who do I really want to be friends with when I don't know who I am? Aren't I a little old to be feeling this way (25)?
How can I feel confident and stable and authentic enough to enjoy others and have others like me when I have no one.
Family- I feel like my sister is very nonsupporting. "You're stupid," she tells me with her facial expressions (she's always been very critical),"You're incapable of having a relationship. I don't trust you or like. I don't want to pay attention to you. I only want to have you around sometimes. Can we pose together and seem like a real family for these pictures for my photo album? Please go away, the picture is complete. Please shut up. I don't want to hear your opinions or what's going on in your life. I didn't make you my bridesmaid in my wedding. You can be angry all you want about it, but I will never convalesce into apologizing for it."
I sometimes just want to become estranged from her. Never talk to her and have revenge for the way she's been with me. I know you're probably reading this and thinking, "Shut up you brat! Don't you know how good you have it? How very bourgeois of you to make up these maladies and ruminate upon them!" I know you probably don't respect me.
I don't really like any one. I used to have a lot of friends. And I used to like myself. Now I just feel unfunny, unintelligent, and that I am always acting "retarded" by trying to be everyone's friend all the time. The thing is, I always feel that way. Almost everyone feels like an enemy to me these days. If you're older than me: I imagine that you're going to make me mad, because you're not going to take me seriously/talk down to me, and in order for us to get along I can't be as opinionated or smart and I have to swallow back any sort of anger I might have about it until I'm not myself at all and I really don't them.
If you're younger than me: I'm going to want to voice my opinions because for the most part you are so naive. But again, you will not think I'm funny, not like me, and be p***** because I'm "acting like your mom." We will not get along unless I never have an attitude and act more dumb and as if I have less sense than you. I feel like I can only get along with you if I'm not me.
How can I attract people when I feel so angry and insecure? I have no friends. How can I keep friends when I haven't been able to in the past? They all walk away. How come I have to try and they don't to keep our friendship alive? Why? Because they sense my desperation and know that I need their friendship more, so who cares? "That girl's a loser!" I'm like a social leper. (Oh, and as you can tell I have an analysis for everything and reasons for everything and it all points to my life having peaked at the beginning of 7th grade. All down hill from here!
Where's my mojo?
Oh, and I suppose I do have "friends." I only have 1 friend though, and he's an ex boyfriend. So, if I get married I'll have to be rid of him and then I'll have no one. Besides that, I have 1 group of "friends" that I 1/2 half sort of belong to, but I don't feel like I really belong. They make me mad 'cause they're all Christians, but they all believe in gay (oh, and I know you hate me now!), and drink like frat boys all the time. They make fun of me, which just makes me realize how lame they think I am and how they have me around, because I'm pretty, but have nothing else going for me in their eyes. I just don't feel like laughing with them. It just feels and is contrived.I do anyway, but it makes me feel even more stupid. Why do I have to put so much effort into hanging out with them? Why can't they actually be smart and funny instead of low-brow and mean to me if I don't fake like I love them? So, I just feel so complicated. Why can't I feel funny again? Oh, and then real Christians. My mama always says I'll feel better if I just join a Bible Study and meet girls through them. They just judge and have even little less in common with me. I can't be myself around them at all. They don't get any jokes. They can be really so unintense. Maybe I'm intense to the extreme.
Honestly, I feel that the only thing that feels natural for me now is to not be sooo nice anymore, be mean and harsh to my family , but also real. Don't let them get away with treating me like a child. Be like this with everyone, and then EVERYONE- Since my city is such a small place- will think and say "stay away from that girl. She's mean and nasty or just, "I don't like her." It's not that I want to be alienated, it's just that I don't know of any other alternative to protect myself, and be authentic to myself, and for once, stick up for myself and my intellect.
If only I could pull this off without crying, because at the first sign of disapproval from anyone I have to be too nice and I lose myself. I automatically get pictures in my head of living out my days alone with only my lousy, fighting, nonsupporting family for any place of solace from the outside world. And then I think that I just want to divorce my family ANYWAY! To spite them for still treating me like a child and ignoring what I have to say and for mother who makes comments about my intelligence based on years where I was so depressed and gave up on life completely and would have committed suicide except for the fact that the church has always taught me suicides end in h***. I gave up on my looks, school, talking to people. And I almost failed all of my classes, not because I was stupid, but because I slept through every class, and never did any homework, and never studied. Where were my parents then? Why didn't they notice that I came home everyday and fell asleep in my room while I watched t.v. Didn't they notice that I didn't have people in my life anymore? That I didn't have anyone???
When before I used to be so happy and popular and got all A's and B's.
No my parents are the most non-observant parents in the world.
If I would have killed myself back then it would have been a complete surprise to them, and they would have thought to themselves, "We did all we could. It's not our fault." They refuse to blame themselves for anyone. How did someone so neurotic as me come from parents like them?
The saddest part about this is how awesome I used to be. I wonder if I'll ever be that happy again?