I dont know what is wrong with me

I know im depressed..
i have attempted suicide 5 or 6 times..
i have cut..
i know i have anxiety..
im always scared and freaked out..
im always worried someone will think horribly of me, often that is exactly what i think.
i am constantly monitoring how i eat, drink, look, express, talk, move, lay, sit, how my clothes are adjusted, if i looked relaxed or tense, ect. i worry about /everything/.
and yet i still neglect to care for my body and surroundings.. its like i care, but i dont..
i hate my body..
i hate my personality..
i care to much about other people..
and yet im going to the deep web to find gore s*** just to understand my sadistic friend.. i wished my dad dead.. i cursed my ex...
i binge, but not purge...
i lie all the time to my parent especially, but just to keep her from getting hurt by my words... and yet it always happens..
nothing i do is right..
i am homeschooled..
there is no reason for me to be so lazy...
so i pile myself up with pressure and duties and secrets online to keep myself occupied and not seem like a lazy f** that lays on the couch 24-7..
my mind is CONSTANTLY racing..
i hardly study normal homework anymore..
i am a burden to my mother..
i constantly hurt her but i dont know why i cant stop and just be normal.
i wish i knew what was so wrong with me..

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  • I didn't read it all but chill the f*** out, life's short enough as it is, try to enjoy yourself & time with others. Wooooosaaaaahhh (Watch Bad Boys if you don't know what that is)

  • Try meditation and mind relaxation type things. Do the best you can do and that's enough. Just be yourself. If you fail at things, you only really fail if you give up on life and don't keep trying until the end. Life is short enough without you bringing up the end before it comes along on it's own. So just have more confidence, or do things to build your confidence and do things to help relieve stress.

  • There's nothing wrong with you.
    You have symptoms and behaviors that are causing you difficulties. You can find help, and if the first try doesn't work - keep trying. You're worth it.

  • You are describing symptoms of:
    Borderline Personality Disorder
    These are all treatable disorders and a clinical psychologist would know how to help (not a psychiatrist who will just give you meds).

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