I dont know what is wrong with me
I know im depressed..
i have attempted suicide 5 or 6 times..
i have cut..
i know i have anxiety..
im always scared and freaked out..
im always worried someone will think horribly of me, often that is exactly what i think.
i am constantly monitoring how i eat, drink, look, express, talk, move, lay, sit, how my clothes are adjusted, if i looked relaxed or tense, ect. i worry about /everything/.
and yet i still neglect to care for my body and surroundings.. its like i care, but i dont..
i hate my body..
i hate my personality..
i care to much about other people..
and yet im going to the deep web to find gore s*** just to understand my sadistic friend.. i wished my dad dead.. i cursed my ex...
i binge, but not purge...
i lie all the time to my parent especially, but just to keep her from getting hurt by my words... and yet it always happens..
nothing i do is right..
i am homeschooled..
there is no reason for me to be so lazy...
so i pile myself up with pressure and duties and secrets online to keep myself occupied and not seem like a lazy f** that lays on the couch 24-7..
my mind is CONSTANTLY racing..
i hardly study normal homework anymore..
i am a burden to my mother..
i constantly hurt her but i dont know why i cant stop and just be normal.
i wish i knew what was so wrong with me..