On the fence about life
With the predicament I'm in, sometimes I really want to end it all. I don't know why I'm making this post. Maybe it's for attention. Maybe it's for comfort. I just feel like I had to tell someone but I can't tell anyone I actually know. I feel like they'd all leave me, because it's unattractive and energy draining. I don't know if I'll actually take my life, I'm not brave enough to do so. But the thoughts I have are disturbing me. Every time I take a bath or shower I think about drowning and how I'd be content with it. Whenever I wake up and before going to sleep, I think about how I wish I could sleep for days on end. I used to cut myself, but stopped for years since people were noticing. I "relapsed" back in October, and it's been a struggle not to do it for the past few months. I always think about the knife in my closet, but I tell myself not to do it.
I'm not happy with any aspect of my life. It seems so messed up. I'm not sure how to get out of it on my own and to explain why would take hours. I don't know anyone who has the patience to listen to it all and help me through it. I'm doing what I can to get out of it, and sometimes I will... but it doesn't last long. I'm wondering when I became so weak.