Suffocation

I'm happy my mother is dead. This would be funny if it hadn't ruined my life, but she smothered me literally when I was a toddler (and probably younger but I don't remember) and she smothered me figuratively when I was older.

Maybe the first clear memory I have is of sitting on the living room floor, my mother picking me up, slapping her hand over my mouth and pinching my nose shut between her thumb and index finger. This wasn't even the awful part, she'd done it so often I remember thinking...why is she doing this? I wasn't crying. I was so mad and scared. I think this was when President Kennedy was shot, and she wanted to hear the radio and I was babbling. I was two years and a few months. We lived in a tiny house. She could have walked two steps and put me in my bedroom and closed the door, but smothering me was just second nature. I learned I had to stop crying immediately and just go limp if was to breath again. Submit or die...no wonder I'm a doormat.

I think she hated me when I was little, but damn once I became a teenager and tried to separate from her, then I became her entire world...or so she said...manipulative c***. Now that I think about it, she still didn't really care about me, she just hid it better. Easter Sunday when I was 25, I was a college-educated, professional woman and had been supporting myself for several years at this point. I went to the house for Easter and was once again expected to look for an Easter Basket...something she knew I hated doing for the last dozen or so years. I wasn't good at it, because I wasn't interested in doing it. She would get drunk and laugh at me. My brother could ferret out his basket in five minutes because he loved getting stuff, I just didn't care.

I was so disgusted by the way she treated me that I figured I needed to get married and have my own family to be treated like an adult. I knew if I just said "treat me like an adult", she would act all butt hurt and somehow I would be the one at fault. This was before internet dating. I went to a dating agency and met my husband who is an a****** and ruined my life. And this you won't believe...he thought it was cute to pinch my nose shut when I was snoring. That is a terrifying way to wake up. How many sadistic f**** must I endure in this lifetime? I can't wait until he dies. His health is s*****, but he's like a f****** cockroach.

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  • Dear Friend,
    Please get into therapy so that you can get past the unfortunate trauma you've experienced in the past and are now enduring. You can start by calling the national domestic violence hotline today. When you begin to work on your life, you will start to heal and you will get a brighter perspective and start living a happier life. Take care and let us know how things work.

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