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Introvert
I've always known I loved being on my own. I was the kid that would lock herself in her room (away from noisy siblings) to decompress from the day. To recharge after a family trip by going for walks alone, as a teen. The adult who would avoid huge gatherings like the plague. Who felt relationships were too burdensome. Who loved being single. Who loved to go on holidays by herself, attend concerts or movies by herself, because having another there would be draining. Who was happy to choose when she felt like being social. Who was so happy with it being just her and the dog. So why I decided to have a kid is so ** beyond even my own understanding that I can't help but hate myself. Everyday.
Being single does have its advantages.
Time alone to think about whatever we want.
It's just not for me. I've always loved a carefree existence. I grew up with umpteenth siblings, in a noisy home with extroverted parents. There was never any peace. I would go to the library every weekend just to get some. I used to dream about leaving home and living a peaceful life somewhere. A 1 bed apartment in a quiet part of town surrounded by parks and coffee shops and libraries. Somewhere I could come home and feel calm. Being a mother makes me frazzled. Constantly interacting, always having to be aware and responsible for another. Having to be social when I don't have the energy. Disciplining, talking, playing, picking up after someone else. I love my child, I just hate being a parent. The part that disturbs me the most? The faking. I'm not me. I'm faking it and it's exhausting. I'm always having to be present and it really drains me. Motherhood is suffocating for me. I feel like I'm living someone else's life. I feel imprisoned by motherhood. I daydream a lot about a life where it's just me and I can do what I want when I want. Silver lining (if it makes a difference at all): I only have the one and I'm counting down the years until my kid leaves the nest. Maybe then I can live life. My life.
What part of being a mother disturbs you the most???