suddenly everything is overwhelming, and I'm depressed and can't tell anyone.
my boyfriend wants nothing more to do with my depression/anxiety problems because he's tired of putting up with them and it not seeming like it helps. It does! I tell him in my more lucid moments, but I can be cranky or weepy or blank and it takes its toll on him.
now I can't tell him what's wrong, because he doesn't want to handle it, so I feel even more alone.
this is what I can't tell anyone, because they all have their problems:
my classes are too many and too hard, labs take up all my afternoons, and music classes my evenings. I can't back out of anything now, and I have a solo concert in less than two weeks, and I haven't practiced in three days!!
I don't even care anymore. I can fail my mini-exam and quiz and test on Friday, who gives a s***. I don't anymore. I've spent two weeks doing 12 hour days through crazy anxiety symptoms involving numbness and crazy heartbeat and insomnia, and now that I get a little break, I give up.
My future is uncertain now. I may have to graduate a semester earlier than planned because with the economy crash, the invested college money went kaput. I think it's doable but it'll be really, really hard, even harder than this semester. and I don't think there's any way I can logistically do Honors.
which means... I graduate in a little over a year. THEN WHAT? I didn't think this far ahead, crapcrapcrap.
I don't want to push myself back into that stress-hole.
I don't want to worry about having a heart attack at 19.
I don't want to drag myself through class, lab, rehearsal, homework, and practice on four hours of sleep, with the knowledge that the next 4 days will be the same, and the weekend no better.