alone

suddenly everything is overwhelming, and I'm depressed and can't tell anyone.
my boyfriend wants nothing more to do with my depression/anxiety problems because he's tired of putting up with them and it not seeming like it helps. It does! I tell him in my more lucid moments, but I can be cranky or weepy or blank and it takes its toll on him.

now I can't tell him what's wrong, because he doesn't want to handle it, so I feel even more alone.

this is what I can't tell anyone, because they all have their problems:

my classes are too many and too hard, labs take up all my afternoons, and music classes my evenings. I can't back out of anything now, and I have a solo concert in less than two weeks, and I haven't practiced in three days!!

s***, man.

I don't even care anymore. I can fail my mini-exam and quiz and test on Friday, who gives a s***. I don't anymore. I've spent two weeks doing 12 hour days through crazy anxiety symptoms involving numbness and crazy heartbeat and insomnia, and now that I get a little break, I give up.

My future is uncertain now. I may have to graduate a semester earlier than planned because with the economy crash, the invested college money went kaput. I think it's doable but it'll be really, really hard, even harder than this semester. and I don't think there's any way I can logistically do Honors.

which means... I graduate in a little over a year. THEN WHAT? I didn't think this far ahead, crapcrapcrap.

I don't want to push myself back into that stress-hole.
I don't want to worry about having a heart attack at 19.
I don't want to drag myself through class, lab, rehearsal, homework, and practice on four hours of sleep, with the knowledge that the next 4 days will be the same, and the weekend no better.

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  • Waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. . .didn't read this s***!

  • Just know there's nothing wrong with failing once in a while. You're trying to hard to manage it all.
    If I was your boyfriend, I'd like you to spend time with me in a fun way. And you know what? It sounds just like something you need: some fun! So fail, fail and rest. And after you rested enough you can pick up the pieces. I'm sure you can do it.
    Good luck!

  • Alone
    I feel your pain I am sick of it too. You know what i did to make my life better. I just got up pulled my pants down and said F*** LIFE!!! I have been to school for ten years and life seems to not be better even with a bachelors and a masters. I just say f*** it, drink you a beer, and just live a little. I mean its not like anyone is going to care anyway LOL

  • Reading your post felt like I was reading about the old me; the depression, the high days, not sleeping but very little if at all for days, putting way too much on my plate and setting unrealistic goals for myself and then being depressed and disapointed in myself when I couldn't do it. I am Bipolar and was diagnosed 2 yrs. ago after I crashed from 3 days of no sleep. I was put on Lithium which has saved my life pretty much. The depression is allot less and the highs are more of a normal feeling and my anger and grumpiness is limited. I'm not saying your Bipolar but it sure sounds an awfull lot like me before happy drugs. Try talking to your doctor or a walk in clinic, they may have suggestions to help you. Oh yeah and I agree with that comment before me, s**** your bf, he's immature and not supportive.

  • That sounds like it sucks. You put waaay too much s*** on yourself, and now you don't want to dissapoint yourself or others. I think you should drop a couple classes if it is too much, you can always take summer/night classes to finish up if you need to. S**** your bf, kick his ass to the curb! He is supposed to be there for you, not add to your stress!

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