dying with gulit everyday
3 years bak i was sent by my parents to pursue engineering,tat place wasnt suiting me..people n atmosphere was killing me,i use to cry every sec n use to wait fr nxt day as my mum to say that things will b alrite..bt they remained same,it seemed as if i hv been shut inside a dark roon with no windows,everything use to b against me....in such circumstances i started drinking as my frd was a spoiled gurl bt she was gud naturewise.i liked her company.Then a boy came in my lyf his name was shivik..was t gud luking bt he helped me many ways bt was highly irresponsible...aftr being frd fr a yr v moved in2 a relatn...n i broke my virginity.Then a suggen drastic circumstances made me leave n drop engineerg n i came bak to my home town n started again with my graduatn...my bf use to mke me long distance calls bt i use ti feel incomplete as i wanted him to b with me in future as my lyf partnr coz virginity meant everything for me...bt slowly as he became busy v startd driftg apart...n new gurl came in his lyf..n he finali said gudbye to me....i cried cried as i was also bit responsibl as i even use to b busy with my studies.
Then thr was a frd of mine whom i knew was a flirt..i thought i will never fall in2 any serious relatn ..n so to divert my mind frm him i fell with him,his name is akash..v soon v became intimate physically as he did forcefuli with me on our initial dazz...as i wanted to forget shivik i also did nt show enuff resistance.
I hate akash....its been 2 years akash n i are in relatn...n now i hv started loving him n i know he is simply gng around with me as i m easily available to him n he knows my weakness...dut to this relatn i have also 1's went thr abortn wich was result of akash doing s** with me wen i was unconsious,aftr tat event i m v badly attachd to him coz i cant tke tat child out of my head aftr all that was a baby inside me whom i killed....i hate myself for that,in april this year i also came to know thr his frd that akash was flirtg aroung wiyh some other girl....they both went fr a movie n did something wich akash shd hv never done....i reali ask god why god has made me so stupid that inspite knowg all this i was unable to dump akash......i beame alone wen i tried leavg him....
i reali want to questn god is this my love which is preventg me frm hatg him...he has reali n is stil playg with my love...bt whenevr he caomes to me n says sorry i dun know what happens to me all my anger vanishes...n one thing more he says that l*** is his weakness...he says he is emotnally attachd cant live withot me bt cant control his l*** too......what sort of life im i living ....i have v limited frds...n even i cnt confess all this in front of them.I am frm india whr s** is considered a a taboo..no1 likes to spk about it.
PRESENTLY I AM STILL WITH AKASH,HE GOES FR PARTYING WITH HIS FRDS BT I DUN LYK GNG AROUND WITH ANY1,I HV BECUM HOMESICK...WEN EVER I THINK ABT MY FORMER BF OR MY UNFORTTUNATE LOVE LYF I RALLY FEEL LYK CRYG...SHIVIK STILLIS TROUBLING ME BY CUMING BAK AGAIN N AGAIN SHOWG AFFECTN...WICH IS CONFUSG ME.....ALL IS SO MESSED UP....GOD PLZ FORGIVE ME FR THAT ABORTION.