dying with gulit everyday

3 years bak i was sent by my parents to pursue engineering,tat place wasnt suiting me..people n atmosphere was killing me,i use to cry every sec n use to wait fr nxt day as my mum to say that things will b alrite..bt they remained same,it seemed as if i hv been shut inside a dark roon with no windows,everything use to b against me....in such circumstances i started drinking as my frd was a spoiled gurl bt she was gud naturewise.i liked her company.Then a boy came in my lyf his name was shivik..was t gud luking bt he helped me many ways bt was highly irresponsible...aftr being frd fr a yr v moved in2 a relatn...n i broke my virginity.Then a suggen drastic circumstances made me leave n drop engineerg n i came bak to my home town n started again with my graduatn...my bf use to mke me long distance calls bt i use ti feel incomplete as i wanted him to b with me in future as my lyf partnr coz virginity meant everything for me...bt slowly as he became busy v startd driftg apart...n new gurl came in his lyf..n he finali said gudbye to me....i cried cried as i was also bit responsibl as i even use to b busy with my studies.
Then thr was a frd of mine whom i knew was a flirt..i thought i will never fall in2 any serious relatn ..n so to divert my mind frm him i fell with him,his name is akash..v soon v became intimate physically as he did forcefuli with me on our initial dazz...as i wanted to forget shivik i also did nt show enuff resistance.
I hate akash....its been 2 years akash n i are in relatn...n now i hv started loving him n i know he is simply gng around with me as i m easily available to him n he knows my weakness...dut to this relatn i have also 1's went thr abortn wich was result of akash doing s** with me wen i was unconsious,aftr tat event i m v badly attachd to him coz i cant tke tat child out of my head aftr all that was a baby inside me whom i killed....i hate myself for that,in april this year i also came to know thr his frd that akash was flirtg aroung wiyh some other girl....they both went fr a movie n did something wich akash shd hv never done....i reali ask god why god has made me so stupid that inspite knowg all this i was unable to dump akash......i beame alone wen i tried leavg him....

i reali want to questn god is this my love which is preventg me frm hatg him...he has reali n is stil playg with my love...bt whenevr he caomes to me n says sorry i dun know what happens to me all my anger vanishes...n one thing more he says that l*** is his weakness...he says he is emotnally attachd cant live withot me bt cant control his l*** too......what sort of life im i living ....i have v limited frds...n even i cnt confess all this in front of them.I am frm india whr s** is considered a a taboo..no1 likes to spk about it.

PRESENTLY I AM STILL WITH AKASH,HE GOES FR PARTYING WITH HIS FRDS BT I DUN LYK GNG AROUND WITH ANY1,I HV BECUM HOMESICK...WEN EVER I THINK ABT MY FORMER BF OR MY UNFORTTUNATE LOVE LYF I RALLY FEEL LYK CRYG...SHIVIK STILLIS TROUBLING ME BY CUMING BAK AGAIN N AGAIN SHOWG AFFECTN...WICH IS CONFUSG ME.....ALL IS SO MESSED UP....GOD PLZ FORGIVE ME FR THAT ABORTION.

3 Comments

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  • It's okay. An abortion is your choice. I'm from India too, I understand that you are NOT a troll, just hurt and confused.

    I think you need to stand up to this Akash guy, do NOT let him control your life. You have lots of options for good jobs, and ways to meet new people. Finish your education first, if you can. You will make a better life for yourself.

    Please don't get caught in the trap that Indian women fall into so easily. Live YOUR life, don't let anyone control it for you.

    And find the strength to leave this guy. Get counselling. Do something, don't stay with him, he'll only make you unhappy.

  • SPEAK ENGLISH!

  • Again, Too long! SHUT UP ALREADY!

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