The past two years have been incredibly difficult. I'm married, but when I get drunk I want male attention, that's not my husbands. I can't read men's signals at all and have found out the hard way that I'm not as attractive as I thought I was. I messaged a man last night and he totally rejected me. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed and scared that he will tell my husband. I'm such a giant f******. I've had emotional affairs and opportunities to physically cheat on my husband. But I haven't taken that step. I don't think I actually could. I think there's something inherently wrong with me. My husband is a great guy and I know he could do way better than me. I just hurt him and ruin him. I wish he'd leave me and find someone better. I feel like such an ungrateful, ugly b****.