He's sneaking out to meet other men

About 5 weeks ago I discovered 4 condoms in my husband's (of almost 40 years) dopp kit. Obviously, I will not be getting pregnant and I am totally monogamous - he told me later that he "picked it up for a gay friend", I had ** with him for the next 2 nights and none since - he doesn't even speak of having **. (He used to be upset all the time because we "never make love" when we did - quite often)

I know for absolute certainty that he is having ** and probably with men as he is always on- line at gay ** sites. He is a photographer and has been doing gay (mostly) ** portfolios for on-time sites. He tells me he's "looking for models" but he does a lot of IM's and e-mailing back and forth he is constantly traveling to another city (weekly) to work with one specific model. The way he acts about this model is almost like he's in love with this guy. I can't "go there" in my mind at this time but......

He is a ** user and ordered a bunch of different ** pills on line and has a big stash - unfortunely he doesn't realize I am capable of counting and know for a fact that he has used 20 of these pills while only using 1 with me!!!!

I also did a history search of various on-line sites and the subjects are re: aides and oral **, oral **, countless gay men sites (including ** services).

Several weeks he developed a urinary tract infection and went to a walk-in clinic (in order to hide it from our insurance and Dr.)
He proudly announced he didn't have an sexually transmitted disease - when I acted shocked and asked why he would say that he said he worries about working with the models he might "contract" something.

I will have to call him on this activity soon - just waiting for the right time. I am humiliated, crushed, feel totally betrayed and amazingly feel no love or affection for him. I spend countless hours tortured by this situation. I never intend to have ** with him again as a precaution for my future health. I am hollow when I think about the past and have literally have no one to speak to. I feel I am married to a total stranger - I always trusted him and am sick of the lies (constant) and his lack of love and concern for me. The saddest thing of all is that I know when he finds out I know he will be devestated and heartsick but, the bottom line is that he made the very conscious decision to lead this double life.

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