I want to die sometimes.
You're probably laughing right now.
Wow, look, a typical emo teenager.
I am a normal student at a prestigeous school. I used to be very happy-go-lucky and cheerful, but since I joined this school, frustration has taken over me. And it hasn't even been a month.
I feel like I could describe the situation better if I'll do it in a form of something like a morning routine.
When I wake up, I snuggle into the sheets and think that it would be perfect to not get up today... or to never get up. Just to exist in a void, trapped in one moment of your life. I don't want to go on living. I don't want to exist anymore.
Bread tastes awfully. Meat tastes awfully. I try too look like I enjoy every bit of my breakfast, but I want to throw it all up. I don't like to eat.
I can't understand a thing at school. Suddenly, the subjects I scored very well at, the knowledge I won competitions with, turned into dust, scattering my brain from inside.
Sharp things catch my attention. When I eat dinner, I look at the knives and forks carefully. Would sliding their blades across my throat make me feel better? Would I finally be free?
Is death an answer if we don't know what's after it? Who said that after death you get your peace of mind?
I'm stuck - I can't move in any direction besides forwards. There is one problem, though - I don't see a way I can go, the path I drew for myself is disappearing and the lights go out.
I feel like a jester in a crowd of Greek philosophers, trying to entertain them.
I'm sorry for this, but I'm not the only one whose mind changed into this kind of bullshit because of that particular prestigeous school. My friend actually told me she plans on commiting suicide if this keeps on. She does not know about my current state - I pretend to be as cheerful as always.
I asked my parents multiple times to allow me to go to a psychologist, but they refuse.
I don't want to tell them I have depression. That would disappoint and unnecessary worry them.
"Daughter, why do you want to go to a psychologist? You don't need it"
"No, mom, I am suicidal and I actually think of the sweet release of death very often. I want to be normal again."
See? Sounds stupid. And it's a worry for them.
I don't want them to know, but I want my courage back.