Is it my fault?
My intuition over the years has always been scary accurate. I get these strange feelings and I just know things. Ive dealt with terrible men who do terrible things and I thought it was all over when I met my current fiancé.. We have had our share of HUGE problems. Most of it was his jealousy. He wanted me all to himself. He constantly needed my approval and praises to function and I wasnt crazy about it, but I told myself it was somewhat harmless. I figured, a man that needy for ME definitely wouldnt be unfaithful. Wrong! After a few years and millions of hurdles, the only bit of credibility he had left was the fact that I've never trusted a man more than him! I felt he only had eyes for me. He was crazy about me! And this Valentine's Day, my world was flipped. Small things from the past began to make sense. I found out he had several emails and several social media accounts. He had been talking to women our whole relationship. Some harmless conversation and friendships, but im not allowed to have any friends.. so automatically im p*****! He had hid this for who knows how long! Who knows how far it has gone. I tried to bite my tongue so i could continue investigating, but when he shows up with a "hey baby, happy vday" and that dumbass smile, i lost it!!!!!! Im not gonna lie....i hit him a few times and began to scream. I was angry! All this h*** he has given me all these years for what? Just to find out he had been the guilty one all along. It hurt. Bad! He swears he only had it for the past 2 weeks because I wasnt being affectionate anymore and I am always too tired for s**. Wtf? Of course I tell him off and defend myself. But the longer it sunk in...my anger became guilt and sadness. Maybe i should be a better woman. Maybe i should be more affectionate and have s** with him whenever he wants so he wont have to find other women.... maybe i need to clean myself up and get dressed more. Become interesting and entertaining.... maybe he's right for doing what he did. It's my fault i couldn't keep him to myself. Now i feel so down on myself and i envy those women soooo much! Of course we made up because i f****** love him! And hes cried and apologized and told me he doesnt wanna lose me. But how can i believe him?
The past few nights we've laughed a little more than we have in a while. And the s** has been passionate....ive even done things I've never done before. Things i wouldnt choose to do, but now i feel i need to do. Am i crazy? Am i handling this all wrong? I want to kill him. I want to break his heart like he broke mine! But i also want to keep him. I want him to want and need only me... my heart hurts! How did we get here??