I love my cousin
It sounds incest and you all properly think its revolting. But its not, I dont think of him in a sexual way. No one can decide who they love can they? So dont judge me. Please.
That the reason why I havent told anyone properly, everyone just thinks 'oh its a crush, she'll soon get over it'. But its been almost 5 years and I'm NOT over it. Infact, I love him even more and I miss him more everyday. And its really upsetting because I cant be with him or see him in person! And he might not even think of them that way..
When I was 11 he came over with his family from Australia, he was 14 at the time. He was only here less than a week, but he made a smile and I liked talking to him. (Which was new for me at the time, I usually never met someone who made me so happy). At the time I didnt think too much of it, but when he left it felt as if he died, I missed him so much. I wish I hugged him and said goodbye properly when I had the chance. Instead of saying bye and quickly walking out the door, crying on my way to school, not knowing it was the last time I was ever going ot see him.
Then he got in touch with me a year later by email, we had stupid little conversations but I always looked forward to his emaail. But he is 3 years older than me, so he was usually busy. Also now I fear he just sees me not anything more than a little sister, he might just keep in touch with me because were related as well.
Not long after we had talks on skype, I cant stop smiling when i speak to him. We would talk for hours just about nothing, silly things. But he's so much smarter than me, so when he would try explaining things to me I would feel stupid because I wouldnt know what the h*** he was on about. The last time we spoke properly was last year, I just feel like a pest.. So we just keep poking eachother on facebook.
He's now coming up to 19, im 16. Today I saw a picture of him at his friend's party. My cheeks grew warm and my heart was fluttering like crazy, he looked really good looking. Also he was dressed differently than he usually does. It kills me inside, I feel like killing myself to see if he cares. I wish he felt the same so I wouldnt feel like an idoit, but he's busy leaving his life. While I feel like such a stalker and loser sitting at home.
I know posting this wont do anything, I cant tell him how I feel. If it was any other boy, yes I would, as simple as that. But when you love someone your not meant to, then its alot more complicated.
So I just have to keep ignoring these feelings inside, pretend that my heart hasnt been aching since the day he left less than 5 years ago..