I love my cousin

It sounds incest and you all properly think its revolting. But its not, I dont think of him in a sexual way. No one can decide who they love can they? So dont judge me. Please.

That the reason why I havent told anyone properly, everyone just thinks 'oh its a crush, she'll soon get over it'. But its been almost 5 years and I'm NOT over it. Infact, I love him even more and I miss him more everyday. And its really upsetting because I cant be with him or see him in person! And he might not even think of them that way..

When I was 11 he came over with his family from Australia, he was 14 at the time. He was only here less than a week, but he made a smile and I liked talking to him. (Which was new for me at the time, I usually never met someone who made me so happy). At the time I didnt think too much of it, but when he left it felt as if he died, I missed him so much. I wish I hugged him and said goodbye properly when I had the chance. Instead of saying bye and quickly walking out the door, crying on my way to school, not knowing it was the last time I was ever going ot see him.

Then he got in touch with me a year later by email, we had stupid little conversations but I always looked forward to his emaail. But he is 3 years older than me, so he was usually busy. Also now I fear he just sees me not anything more than a little sister, he might just keep in touch with me because were related as well.

Not long after we had talks on skype, I cant stop smiling when i speak to him. We would talk for hours just about nothing, silly things. But he's so much smarter than me, so when he would try explaining things to me I would feel stupid because I wouldnt know what the h*** he was on about. The last time we spoke properly was last year, I just feel like a pest.. So we just keep poking eachother on facebook.

He's now coming up to 19, im 16. Today I saw a picture of him at his friend's party. My cheeks grew warm and my heart was fluttering like crazy, he looked really good looking. Also he was dressed differently than he usually does. It kills me inside, I feel like killing myself to see if he cares. I wish he felt the same so I wouldnt feel like an idoit, but he's busy leaving his life. While I feel like such a stalker and loser sitting at home.

I know posting this wont do anything, I cant tell him how I feel. If it was any other boy, yes I would, as simple as that. But when you love someone your not meant to, then its alot more complicated.

So I just have to keep ignoring these feelings inside, pretend that my heart hasnt been aching since the day he left less than 5 years ago..

May 19, 2012

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  • It's normal. There are a lot people like us who love there cousin I loved my third cousin half my life. I cannot seem to find anyone else. I knew that he liked me back. My story is so long and complicated so I won't bore you with my story. He is not perfect and I am not either but I still love him. I think he is perfect for me. He is now married and has a beautiful baby. I wish I said how I felt when I had the opportunity. It hurts so much knowing that you can't have the person you love and he is with someone else. Especially when they have feelings for you to. No one knows how I feel inside but God. I go to bed crying many nights because I can't be with the one I truly love.

  • Hey :) so I guess I'm not the only one in the world after all... It feels good, to know that someone out there is facing the same situation as me. You know what I mean? Anyway. I like my cousin too. It started when I was, I don't know, childhood, I guess (like 1st-2nd grade). We grew up together, hang out with each other, and go to the same school... Since kindergarden. He used to be my best friend, and then, those feelings turned into a crush, then love.

    As we slowly grew up, we part ways, him, hanging out with his guy friends, and me, hanging out my girl friends. We talked from time to time. Years past and we talk less and less. He had always been a shy person, but when we were 'best buds' he talked loud as h***... So then slowly, he starts to get 'shy' with me too.

    When we were in the middle of elementary school (grade 4-5), we almost became stragers. Well, not really... Consider we see each other at my relatives house on holidays and he talk a bit. But at school, it was like as if he's a different person. He smiles and talk to me from time to time, but it's different. Many of my classmates whispers things to me like 'i like your cousin' and things like that. It was like as if I was being friendzoned by my friends (or something like that). It's like they don't expect me to like him too. So I just pulled up a poker face and smiles flatly at them. I just can't help but feel 'protective' of him. I mean, no one in the school know more about him than me. I know that he's afriad of geckos, and eat crazy spicy food when no one else does.

    So that's why my heart shattered to pieces when my parent decided to transfer me to another school. Without me there, all the girls that have a crush on him will surely take him...and worst of all, he might start going out with them. I tried to tell my parent to let me stay, but they won't let me.

    We meet on holidays but that was pretty much it. The gap between us grew larger and larger. I had some small crushes at my new school. But they were just crushes that lasted for a week. I always always think of him. I tried to forget him, considering that my love would never bloom. We're cousins for god sake. It's incest. I know that and yet I still love him. So much. My heart would beat so fast and everytime he comes close, I'll need to turn away to hide my blush.

    Because the school that I transfer to have a different program and we have summer at different time, I get to spend my summer 'studying' as my mom call it, at my old school. I went every summer.

    Last year, there was a flicker of hope. The first day I wentthere for my 'summer school', his friends were elbowing each other and look at ke weirdly. Then, one of them walked up to me and blew a 'kiss' in my direction saying that my cousin told him to gave it to me. Lame and almost 90% jokes sure, but I can't help but feel as if there's something behind it. Maybe he talked about me to his friends? Maybe he told his friends that me like me? And then those thoughts turned somewhat negative. Is it possible that they werebeing sacrastic? Were they really just teasing me? Or worse, did he told his friends that he hated me and his friends were just trying to make fun of me? Ever since then, that event played over and over in my mind.

    But those negative thoughts brushed away when many times, at family gathering, he sits next to me. Instead of other cousins, who are boys and the same age as us.

    Next week, I'll go to 'summer school' again and I can't wait to meet him. I love my cousin. Nothing will ever change that.

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