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Started at 13
It all started at the age of 13. I grew up in a family of one brother and two sisters. My dad passed away when I was 9 and mom never remarried. My dads passing caused me to withdraw inside. Just as all young boys I noticed the girls but I was so afraid to let them know. Just as a lot of young boys curiosity sets in and I was curios about the feminine under garments of clothes. Coming from a family of two sisters I decided to see what made the undergarments different. I am sure a number of boys have experienced this as well. When I did get a hold of a pair of ** it stored something inside me. The material felt good agents my skin. I tried to keep my secret life hidden but my mom found them in my room. She never told me she did but I later found them in another place she moved them to. Threw the yearsi remained a closet cross dresser. When I moved to a larger city years later I was in my 30's. My wanting to ware them more kept building inside me. So I got the courage to ware them out in public. I kept wondering if anyone would see me in them. The fearing someone would was such a rush. I eventually threw the years just started warring ** 24-7. To me they are just a garment of clothing I feel comfortable in. The first 5 or 6 times I went to the doctor I was afraid and would ware men's under shorts. But I did not feel comfortable in them so I just decided to ware the ** and would explane if the instance came up. My only fear now is I have been single all my life and I would love to have a special lady in my life. But as usual I am afrade that I might loose them if they found out.
The emptyness one feels is like a cavern. I let my wife in on my kink. Tights & spanking. Her reaction was to condem me as sick. So I lived with this hidden chasm of empytness. Don't talk about it to the wife and live a kind of nice but unfulfilled and somewhat numb existance.
A couple of months ago I met a lady in a coffee shop. We would chat about life and personal relationships and so on. She was lonly and waiting for the divorce to come through. I mentioned I was a touch sort of person. Moved onto a kind of detached conversation where I made some off hand comment like I though a bit of smack and tickle was OK but my wife thought it was sick.
This moved on and now we meet up for pure physical stuff. Playing dress ups. I can wear tights and she rund her hands over them. I can spank her or she spank me. It's really intense and physical.
We have both found ways to fill that gap. For me the sad bit is that I am filling the need for love by engaging with two women. It would be nice if it were all with the one woman.
I hope you are able to find someone. I feel for you. I've experienced that lonliness on being single and also the lonliness of keeping part of you hidden.