Being a Mom **....I AM LOOSING MYSELF

I HATE what my life is now. I waited until I was 30 to have my first child because I thought I was going to be old enough...mature enough to handle the sacrifice of being a mother, of being a wife, of giving up my job (my own money, which was my ticket to "life my way"). I wasn't ready to give up MY WAY OF LIFE.

For everything that I had to let go, the reward of mother and wife haven't been worth it. I am so vain. I hate that about myself because maybe if I didn't miss the vain things, I could enjoy this part of my life. But I miss be able to work hard and play harder. Now it's just all work and home life. It is so crazy!!! Before 2 children and 1 income, we were husband and wife with 2 incomes. Why? Oh!!!! Why did I rush out of the phase of my life.

There are more times, than not, when I DON'T want to share my husband. I don't want to raise my sons (with all that comes with raising children...keep it all) Honestly, I never liked children. I STILL DON'T LIKE THEM. why did i ever thing I would make a good mom? My children are about to turn 3 and 5. And all I'm trying to do is NOT RUN AWAY!

Away sounds soooooo good. I would life for ME FIRST, again. Pampering my self, sending me on amazing all-inclusive vacations twice a year, saving and investing for my growing need to have fun and go new places.

For me being wife with children has been a tear-filled, sad life. I USE TO VACATION TWICE A YEAR!!!! I have not decompressed on vacation in almost 6 WHOLE YEARS now. And guess what, here comes the cherry on top, traveling with two children over 2 years old is elephant size expensive. Just getting to a location is upwards of $2000 for 4 flight tickets (you know if you catch the sale DURING off-peak season ON the cheapest day of the week to fly).

So I confess since I became a mother, that lady I use to be has been disappearing and in her place i am left with loneliness, tears, and sadness. AND this is what I HATE THE MOST.

but you can't say these things.

so here's the fake smile I wear now. Followed by the even more fake "Everything is good, be a mom is F.U.N." Frustrating Unhappy Never-ending

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