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I have a weird problem
I am a gay man. Seven years ago, in college, I lost the closeted boy I really loved and had been DL-dating, to a girl who was playing him with her ex-boyfriend. He didn't know that she did this. And although I knew, I didn't tell him--I was trying to "take the high road" and not be pathetic like Lindsay Lohan's character in Mean Girls, bad-mouthing her rival to try and get the guy she wanted. Anyway, the result of "doing the right thing" was that I then had to watch this boy do things like serenade that awful girl in front of huge groups of people that also happened to include me, singing a song where he implied that her presence in his life was divinely ordained by Fate, or God, or something. Let me be clear: she did not give a ** about him a fraction of the amount that he did about her, and I had proof of this. But I had to watch her smug face smiling back at him during that serenade, and bite my knuckle, and cry into my shirt sleeve. I chose to do the right thing, and as a direct result, I was made utterly miserable, with no benefit whatsoever. It was haunting.
Anyway, ever since college, I haven't been able to sustain a serious romantic relationship with anybody. I guess maybe that experience just burnt and broke me beyond repair. All I can do now, is get casual ** from closeted men who are married to women. It's been some very good, sensual **, but it always makes me a little guilty (not guilty enough to stop) because I swear if a guy tells me he's publicly "straight," I just have to have him, right then and there. And I've definitely had quite a few, by now.
But it just feels like I can't get past the rage and frustration I felt towards that girl, taking away the guy I would have given my intelligence or my dominant hand to have, and not even valuing him when she did. And by the way, if you are wondering, she's happily married now--to somebody else.
People **. Seriously. There's so much selfishness in the world, really, we're just overwhelmed with it. I'm sorry you had to watch that horror show you saw: I can't even imagine (no one can) how painful that was to see. Not the embarrassment she visited on him, but the heartbreak of knowing that his genuineness and his love were being wasted on the trash heap that girl was. All I can tell you is that there are some good people out there, and that you need to locate one. I use the word "need" intentionally: you need the search, and you need the result. You will find him (or he will come looking for YOU), and you will love each other and please each other, and the ** will be better than anyone has ever had (your current fantasies will seem tame by comparison). And then -- then -- the tragedy and travesty of your earlier experience will begin to fade. Best wishes.