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My sister will never grow up.
My sister is in her late 20s and lives at home with my parents. She has a job, but pays no rent or utilities to my parents. Most of her money either goes into her savings account, or gets spent on her buying stuff for herself. She doesn't have to worry much about food, since my mom usually cooks for whoever is in the house. She doesn't have to worry much about entertainment, because her and my mom are like best friends who go on all-day shopping excursions, except my mom picks up the tab. On gas and food always, and even occasionally on the purchases. She drives a new expensive car my dad bought for her. But at least she pays the insurance on it now, thanks to me prodding her to get off mom and dad's plan a couple years ago. She did live on her own during college, in an apartment my parents paid the rent on, and to her, that was the pinnacle of her independence, and the proof that she is capable of taking care of herself. She refers to the cement pad closest to the front door as her parking spot. She gets mad when my wife and I and our son are visiting my parents "too late" (8pm) because it interferes with her ability to wind down after work.
I feel bad judging her, because I know her life has its own challenges. She's never had a boyfriend. I have a wife and a kid and a house and a life. She has my parents and her "fur babies." But I just keep asking myself, when is she going to grow the ** up and get a place of her own? When I was 8 years younger than she is now, I got my first place 100% with my own money, and I didn't have a wife at the time. She keeps talking about "when she finds a husband" and "when she has kids someday." But I don't see it happening when my parents still have to tell her to clean her room and give her chores to get her to take responsibility. She is never going to learn to be an adult this way, and my parents aren't helping a ** thing by enabling her.
I shouldn't care, because I have my own life and my own finances, so what's it to me if my parents want to spend their golden years coddling her? But logic is useless, it really gets under my skin. I did what kids are supposed to do. I grew up, and stood on my own two feet, and she didn't. She lives every day being taken care of, I pay my own way.
I don't really know what I'm confessing. I'm jealous? Maybe. But also, I'm not. I wouldn't really want to be in her shoes. I wouldn't feel right. Do I want her to get her comeuppance? Yeah, a little. But I want her to get it right now while she's young and still has time to learn from it. If karma catches up with her 20 years from now when it's too late, it will just be sad.
I just wish she would grow up already.
You nailed it with the script thing. Without knowing her or you.. that could be a very real obstacle that is keeping her right where she is. That and maybe the fear of leaving what she knows, finding a boyfriend etc.. and just insecurity. Change is very difficult for people. When she talks about her plans, does anyone encourage her to do just that? Or offer to contact a realtor and help her look for a place? Get some wheels going in a forward motion? Or just excited about the prospect. Women buy their own houses and still get married..let her know it's okay to have her own property before she finds her prince. Does she date?
She tried dating online, but only one candidate was interested, and he was the textbook definition of "red flag". Couldn't arrange his own transportation, couldn't pay for himself, etc. She hasn't done much dating since.
I talked to her about buying a house today. She said she didn't want to buy a house before she had a husband. I asked her why, she said she felt that in doing so, she would be giving up and committing to being an old maid. So I used my wife as an example, she owned property before she met me, and explained how my wife's house didn't stop us from meeting, or from moving where we eventually settled down.
I explained that buying a home isn't permanent, you can sell it again if it doesn't fit your plans, it's just a good way to avoid throwing your money away on rentals, because if you get a decent deal, you can get some of your mortgage money back out of it when you sell it.
She said she wasn't sure she wanted a house because she wanted neighbors so she wouldn't be alone, so I said, condos and townhomes are also an option. Then we got into a conversation about her plans for the future, because I asked her where she saw herself in 5 years. She totally drew a blank.
I think her real problem is that she has no idea what she wants to do with her life. With no goal to work towards, there is really no reason to take any action that leads her away from where she is now. She is just going wherever the wind blows her, and the winds of comfort blew her back home.
I think it's great that you talked to her. Even if she's not interested now, you're planting the seeds. I agree, she doesn't have an idea with what to do with her life and if she did she may be too scared to take that leap of faith. She's comfortable and safe at home with her parents. You could always suggest looking into a life coach. A coach could make some suggestions, but again all the action has to come from her. And if she's not ready or willing then nothing changes. It's a tough spot to be in for really everyone involved. Because the idea of a home and a husband will make her happy (or along those lines)..but getting her to go out and achieve them is another step. Although, it didn't solve your issues with her it sounds like you have some clarity now. And maybe knowing what you know, you can help her. Hopefully, she takes notice and begins to take action.