I feel awful
Hello, I've posted here a few times before and guess what? Surprise surprise I still feel f****** awful! Yaaaay.
Soon I will end my visit to my girlfriend who usually live on the other side of the world from me and we probably won't see each other again physically for years. She's stopped sleeping in the same bed as me and I'm quite sure it's because she has started crying herself to sleep like I have. I don't want to leave her, I can't do it, but I have to. It's like some stupid soap opera except without the drama and take emotions, it's happening to me right now and I hate it. I'm crying right now because no matter how much I want it not to happen, I will have to leave the person who is my reason to live.
I want to stay and help her get over her depression just she can help me get over mine. I'm in so much pain, I don't want to feel this but I can't help it. The only solace I get from this is when I hold her in my arms, and even then I'm scared that she'll pull away because I'm holding her too hard. I hate this pain, this emptiness I feel inside me every time I'm alone or in bed, and I don't know how to fill it up with something other than her.
The worst part is I can't tell her that I'm feeling like this, because then it will be worse for her when I leave. It would be selfish and stupid to tell her these feelings, but I want to tell her all the same.
I'm sorry Lovisa for probably causing you just as much pain as you are causing me, I'm sorry I have to go, and I'm so sorry that you have no one to help you. If I knew that we would be together after we died in an afterlife, I would gladly kill myself right now to be with you.