I feel awful

Hello, I've posted here a few times before and guess what? Surprise surprise I still feel f****** awful! Yaaaay.

Soon I will end my visit to my girlfriend who usually live on the other side of the world from me and we probably won't see each other again physically for years. She's stopped sleeping in the same bed as me and I'm quite sure it's because she has started crying herself to sleep like I have. I don't want to leave her, I can't do it, but I have to. It's like some stupid soap opera except without the drama and take emotions, it's happening to me right now and I hate it. I'm crying right now because no matter how much I want it not to happen, I will have to leave the person who is my reason to live.

I want to stay and help her get over her depression just she can help me get over mine. I'm in so much pain, I don't want to feel this but I can't help it. The only solace I get from this is when I hold her in my arms, and even then I'm scared that she'll pull away because I'm holding her too hard. I hate this pain, this emptiness I feel inside me every time I'm alone or in bed, and I don't know how to fill it up with something other than her.

The worst part is I can't tell her that I'm feeling like this, because then it will be worse for her when I leave. It would be selfish and stupid to tell her these feelings, but I want to tell her all the same.

I'm sorry Lovisa for probably causing you just as much pain as you are causing me, I'm sorry I have to go, and I'm so sorry that you have no one to help you. If I knew that we would be together after we died in an afterlife, I would gladly kill myself right now to be with you.

2 Comments

  • newest
  • oldest
  • most replies
  • most popular
  • Why do you think you are protecting Her
    by acting emotionless? Not saying anything true.
    Say them out loud. You have a chance to cast your net and to get a final answer about the relationship.
    You seem that you know what will happen if you don't open up, out loud right now, but are allowing for it to happen to save, YOU THINK, the bad feelings she will get if you look too emotional.
    Abandon leaving, if you are totally and absolutely in love and can't be split right now. Leave soon but not yet. Put affairs in order and go back to her. Settle down and live life.
    Explain that. If she denies you. It wasn't ment to be. Cry for 2 years and then be charmed by some other nice person.

  • If you really loved her, you would find a way to be together. Whatever is separating you is more important to you and I'm sorry but that is the just the truth and you should wake up to it because the sooner you realize you don't really love her, the better it is for you. She already knows you don't really love her if you are leaving.

Account Login
Signup
Is this post inapropriate?
Is this comment inapropriate?
Delete this post?