Looking forward to death
My mom died suddenly 10 months ago, and with her went the last person who cares whether I come or go, live or die, am happy or sad. I have a girlfriend who is very kind and sweet and I'm grateful for her, but she has no idea of how big a hole my mother's death left in my life, and how wrenching it is knowing she's gone and isn't coming back, ever.
I got the flu two days ago and my girlfriend put me to sleep last night while I was shaking and shivering and feverish. After she left I thought "It would be so wonderful if this flu would kill me and end this life of struggle, isolation, poverty, disconnection and despair" and I could just go off to the next level without this body that needs to be fed, washed, dressed, cared for, and this world that requires most of us to toil the majority of our days just to buy food and pay rent, and for what? So rich people can get richer? So a guy like Trump can be President and be rude to everyone and misspell Tweets? Look at our culture, what a toilet it is. Is there really anything to look forward to?