My mothers boyfriend

My mom and dad had healthy s** life. I saw them having s** several times growing up. Not that they would do it in front of me on purpose but I accidentally saw it.
My dad worked on the railroad and was gone a lot. One time when he was gone I heard noises (I was 12) and went to their bedroom to get in bed with my mom. There was someone else in there and it was not my dad. He was having s** with my mom. I just sat down by the bed then he noticed me and told my mom and she said it's ok and they kept going.
After a while I got up and went back to my bedroom feeling weird. That was the first time I masturbated. Later the guy came to my room and kneeled down next to my bed and rubbed my head and asked me if everything was ok. I said yes and then he eased his hand under the covers and put his hand between my legs. He asked if that was ok. I didn't know what to say so I said it was ok.
He rubbed me for a little while, slowly then kissed me on the lips. My first kiss and it really made me feel funny down there. I liked it and what he was doing. I didn't know at the time, but I came. He stood up and asked if I wanted to see his p****. I said yes and he showed it to me. I asked him if I could touch it and he said ok. I held it and then he asked me what I saw in the bedroom.
I told him I saw him having s** with my mom. He asked what I thought about it.
I told him I didn't know what to think. He told me that if I wanted to kiss his p**** it would be ok. I didn't because I didn't know what or how to do it. He sat on the side of my bed and told me to sit in his lap. I was facing him while I sat there.
He asked me if I wanted to kiss again. I shook my head yes and he began kissing me. I could feel his p**** between my legs and kind of liked it. He asked if I wanted him to put it in. I really didn't know what that meant and said yes. He raised me up, pulled my panties to the side and sat me on top of it.
Slowly, he lowered me onto his p**** and I was thinking what is next. With it all in, he told me to do whatever felt good. I rocked back and forth then up down. He squirted inside of me and that was weird but good at the same time.
I never saw him again, and never had s** like that again until I was 17. I realize now what he did to me at 12 yrs old was wrong. It felt wrong at the time and at the same time it didn't feel wrong. I never told anyone about that. I did ask my mom when I was 15 about her 'boyfriend'.
She told me she didn't mean for me to see that. I asked her when I came in why it didn't embarrass her and why didn't she stop. She told me that was the first time she had another man other than my dad and she was 'consumed' with the idea of another man. She said she was sorry and hoped that it didn't affect me in a bad way.
I told her it didn't and it was ok. In retrospect, it did affect me. After that night I masturbated a lot. I would stay up late to hear my mom and dad having s** and I would m*********. I was obsessed with masturbating and now I like to watch other people have s**.
I don't want to necessarily join in, I just like to watch. At college there were parties where some girls would get drunk and let two or three guys have s** with them. I was that girl a couple of times but I really liked watching more than anything. If I got to see others having s**, I would end up having s** with a guy and the whole time thinking about what I saw and that would make me climax more than the act itself.

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