In Need Of Understanding And Support

I am definitely in need of some understanding and support. The past 6 months have been very challenging for my husband and me. We have been married 2 years. We met during freshman year in high school and dated exclusively in high school and throughout college. We got engaged when we graduated college and were married a year later.
Six months ago I was assaulted by a man in my home while my husband was at work. It still seems unreal to me that I am a “sexual assault survivor,” but I am. The assault was really scary, painful, and humiliating for me. I can’t say enough good things about the people who came together to help and support me after my assault – the police, nurses, doctors, counselors, and my husband.
I feel like I was not only assaulted physically, but also emotionally and mentally. My body was hurt and so was my marriage. My husband has been wonderful but I know he is struggling to come to grips with what happened to me. He was the first person I called after my attacker left and he rushed home to take me to the hospital. He stood by and held my hand during the exams I had at the hospital and while I gave a statement to the police.
I was so in shock by what had happened to me, just trying to survive from moment to moment during my exams and interviews, that I wasn’t aware of how the entire process affected my poor husband. Looking back months later, I can see how “graphic” those first few hours after the attack must have been for my husband. Nurses were in and out swabbing me everywhere, taking samples. I have a clear memory of the nurse taking the sexual assault kit politely asking me where she should swab for s**** samples and me answering “Everywhere.” She gently asked me to be more specific and I replied, “My mouth, my v*****, and my bottom.” It was at this moment my husband was introduced to exactly what happened to me. The nurse was going through a long list of what I guess are standard questions: “How many men where you attacked by?” “One.” “Did he penetrate you sexually?” “Yes.” “Where did he penetrate you sexually?” “He forced me to perform oral s** on him. He forced me to have intercourse. Then he sodomized me, made me have a*** s**.” “Did your attacker wear a condom during any or all of the s** acts he performed on you?” “No, none of them.” “Do you know if your attacker e********* during the assault?” “Yes, he did.” “Can you tell me where he e*********?” “He e********* each time he attacked me, in each place I mean.” “Are you saying he e********* in your mouth, v*****, and r*****?” “Yes, he did.” The questions went on and on.

At one point I remember one nurse talking to another saying something like “I think I see quite a bit of s**** in her panties. Let’s bag those for evidence.”
My poor husband was standing there, trying to comfort and support me, listening to all of this!
I wasn’t physically or emotionally prepared to resume intimacy with my husband for weeks. I was sore for quite a while as I healed from bruising and tearing in my v***** and r*****. The first time my husband and I tried being intimate a couple months ago, it was awkward at best. I know he likes when I perform oral s** on him and I like to do that for him. But, since my attack he hasn’t asked me for that. I think he’s afraid to. When we have intercourse he’s very, very gentle with me. He is able to e********, but I have not experienced an o***** with him since the attack. Also, I saw a couple websites on his computer about how to make a*** s** pleasurable for your partner. Prior to my assault, I had never experienced a*** s**. My husband and I had talked about it, but had never tried it. I am open to trying it with my husband. But, like oral s**, I think he’s afraid to bring it up.
Thank You to all that have read what I’ve written. I truly appreciate your understanding and support!

--- Marcy

1 Comment

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  • I think it would help if you could talk to someone, when are you free to talk?

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