I hate being a mother
That I have 3 healthy children who I dreamed about for years, but it turns out that I actually hate parenting with a passion that scares and saddens me beyond words.
I try so very hard to feed them well, educate them widely, provide experiences, avoid technology and give them a 'wholesome' life with lots of opportunities and they throw everything back in my face.
They complain, they are lazy, they need to be reminded 14 times to do something, they tell me how they aren't allowed things their friends are allowed and don't respect their belongings.
I make food from scratch that we lovingly grow and they push the plate away with a scowl. The oldest one has to cook once a week, but even that is a grumble. They all have to share some of the cleaning, but mostly it happens with a loud moan.
I'm so very tired of behaviour charts and being reasonable, all I want is to be able to travel back in time and tell my other self that I won't like it. I want them to be gone without the memory that they ever existed as to lose them would be heartbreaking. I want to bring back the time when you were allowed to whack them.
I want to be free and live my life unencumbered by this crushing disappointment of what i was sold as 'the joy of parenting'. I hate to feel like this and most people are shocked if i mention it. They say 'but you do such a good job'. The truth is very different inside my heart.
I wish I could find a happy place with this job I only wish i could have tried out before I committed, because I never would have.
I want the world for my children, but sometimes think they'd be better off without me living with them because they might get a fun mother instead. Or maybe one who didn't care so much that she's forgotten how to laugh.