My upbringing as a young girl

I am a 58 year old mother of one daughter who is in her twenties. I know I have always been over-protective of her, even with her father and this has made my life more than difficult.
Why? because I was sexually abused as a child.
My dad always visited his disabled mother on Sundays, but my mum would stay at home and I would be dressed in my Sunday coat, best dress, vest and knickers, socks and shoes for the visit.
Grandma was very old and bedridden and lived in a big Victorian house in London. Dad would go and sit with her for the afternoon, without fail. Dad had a brother Oliver who lived with grandma, he was older than dad and looked after her during the week.
Oliver was good at gardening and had a shed and he was always in that shed when we visited. After saying hello to grandma I would be asked to go and see Oliver. I was six years old when I was first left on my own with him.
His shed was big, with a heater and things to make tea etc. It also had an arm chair and uncle Oliver would always be sitting in it when I arrived. I remember he would say, hello sweet-pea let me take my dirty trousers off so you can sit on my lap like a good little girl and I won't get your pretty dress soiled.
He always had a present for me for being good and I innocently accepted it. He would sit me down and lift my dress and petticoat and hold me by my hips as I opened the present and although I could feel him moving about under my legs I thought at the time he was just a little uncomfortable and so I moved to helping him, I didn't know what he was really doing.
He always admired my knickers, lifting the front of my clothes and saying you are a pretty little girl what lovely knickers as he touched them.
My problem was that I enjoyed it, the flattery, the presents, the secret.
When I was ten uncle Oliver took his underpants off and I touched him, more than that I stroked him. He had always had a h****** but I had never seen it, I was so naïve!! He asked if he could take my knickers off, I didn't even hesitate and he sat me back on his lap, my legs were either side of his and his p**** was rubbing against my f****.
He reached over and got a small tin box and took out what he called a rubber Johnny, I remember I thought it was funny at the time, of course it was a durex and he put it on his p**** and started rubbing against me fast telling me I was so very good and lovely and then I watched as it filled with his seed.
It was the first time I felt guilty, it felt wrong but I had enjoyed it and it was our secret.
I was twelve Oliver had a heart attack at work and died. I have always thought that my mum and dad must have known what Oliver was doing as dad never came to the shed but called down the garden when he was ready to go home and all mum did was to say was I a good girl with Oliver.
My overriding feeling of guilt started to take hold in my late teens, when I had a regular boyfriend and more responsibility. It has been almost impossible to bear sometimes during adulthood, especially when I had a daughter of my own.
I have never told anyone except a close friend who told me to tell it on this website. I kind of feel a little better about it now.

Apr 19, 2020

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  • No reason to feel guilty. It was just one of life's experiences.

  • Its not a problem that you liked its totally natural for you to like it. It sounds like your mom and dad trusted him not to hurt or rush you. I bet you was payment for taking care of grams. Do you really feel you was abused or just guilty for loving it so much. I dated a few women like you and they had hard time with the guilt of loving it and missing it so much and how thinking about it made the c** fast and hard.

  • Wow. Complex thoughts. Therapy can and will help. If not, role play where you are in control and change the narrative.

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