My life is a wreak

My life is pretty s*** tbh, my boyfriend never calls or texts unless I text him first and then I get mad....but then I'll see him and think "f*** he's cute...ugh I'm not mad anyomre...damn" plus then he makes me like him so much more WITH everything he dose, he plays the drums, piano, base guitar, guitar, recorder and can sing, he's funny as h*** and sweeter than sugar, he smart, he defends me, he taught me how to skate even, has a incredible sense of style...he's amazing in every way....we're so alike..I want to just grab him and kiss him...but I'm afraid he won't miss me back and will hurt me...but I have a feeling he wont...but he could. AND my family is somewhat homophobic, (I'm a bisexual girl) my long term best friend is in love with a girl I don't like, when I like my best friend...I told her and she just shook it off like it was nothing. I'm a horrible person...the very first Valentine's day gift I got from my boyfriend...I lost them, the beautiful, artistic, stunningly amazing eating he gave me....I lost them a few months later...I'm a trash, terrible person. I want to just die because I'm f****** nothing, I have no purpose, no statement, nothing.. I literally don't want to live at all...there's hundreds upon hundreds of people on this planet at least a hundred know me...and if I died maybe like what..three of them would care??? no...I'm a girl people hate, the girl that uses humor to hide her tears, the girl that wears pants and long sleeves in summer to hide my cuts, the girl that punches the mirror until she breaks or it dose, the girl that's a cadet but is the biggest loser around, the girl that gets into fist fights with the biggest guy around..just to laugh, ending up with a black eye...covering up the old one....I've struggled with depression for a few years now....hiding it from my family, hiding my scars and cuts, it's funny how they haven't noticed the drop in my weight...I would die but the only thing holding be back is the thought of what after? What will happen?

May 26, 2020

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