My brother took my virginity

When I was growing up after school one day my older brother raped me. I was a virgin until he thrust himself inside of me. After a few thrusts he laughed and said I liked it cause I was getting wet. He used me a few more times after that. We haven't spoken in years cause I hate him. I am haunted though. I often prefer hard punishing s** and I think it's because of him. Sometimes I can ever still see his face when I'm with a man and it's like he is doing it all over again.