Art Model Gone Very Bad

My parents divorced and the only other father figure I trusted, my uncle, started molesting me from when I was about 12 until the age of 14. After he was done with me he would stuff a wad of money into my hand. I guess that is how he rationalized his actions, that he was helping out the cast off child of his poor divorced sister. I started working out to protect myself and it worked. By the time I was 16 I was more built than other guys. Since then I have kept working out and I must look good because I got quite a bit of attention from girls and women and never had trouble in that area. But I always feel hollow and my relationships never go anywhere.

While in college, one day I was cutting thru the art department and saw an ad looking for nude art models. Something really turned me on the idea. I started doing art modeling because I wanted to be admired. I got a lot of compliments and follow on work. I really got turned on by being nude in a room full of strangers who had permission to look at me all they wanted. But then I really wanted to see how I look nude other than to myself so I answered a couple ads looking for models for photo shoots. The one that got me really crazy was the one where the photographer wanted me to m********* for him. I did and he took over 200 photos of me. It was so hot to get those pics and also so objectifying. I started answering more ads and eventually I ended up modeling for a guy who started with pics and just bit by bit worked on my inhibitions to where now he pays me sometimes twice a week to go to his place and let him do all kinds of degrading things until he c***. He gave my number to one of his friends and sure enough he called and sure enough I am now pleasing him. It's getting crazy, between the two of them my weekends are just a blur.

I now realize I am doing the same thing with them is similar to what my uncle did to me, but I can't stop because that is what I know how to do and in the moment I am totally intoxicated and turned on being degraded and used. I want to stop but once they hand over the cash and tell me to strip, it's like a trigger and I am just theirs for the using. I was thinking about seeing a therapist but I feel so ashamed to reveal this. I guess this is a start.

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  • See a therapist. While it’s a turn on it’s also touching unhealed trauma. You can still get off on taboo and role play without doing anything that doesn’t feel good or respectful. It’s worth it to sort it out. You’re worth it.

  • Thank you for the kind words. I did get in touch with a counseling agency and start therapy later this month. I really want to be able to have a "normal" s** life free of wanting to feel the same as when I was being abused. I have gone on to online chat services and called helplines a few times. They really have been helpful. So far, I have resisted the temptation and compulsions, which feels both awesome but also very weird.

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