Art Model Gone Very Bad
My parents divorced and the only other father figure I trusted, my uncle, started molesting me from when I was about 12 until the age of 14. After he was done with me he would stuff a wad of money into my hand. I guess that is how he rationalized his actions, that he was helping out the cast off child of his poor divorced sister. I started working out to protect myself and it worked. By the time I was 16 I was more built than other guys. Since then I have kept working out and I must look good because I got quite a bit of attention from girls and women and never had trouble in that area. But I always feel hollow and my relationships never go anywhere.
While in college, one day I was cutting thru the art department and saw an ad looking for nude art models. Something really turned me on the idea. I started doing art modeling because I wanted to be admired. I got a lot of compliments and follow on work. I really got turned on by being nude in a room full of strangers who had permission to look at me all they wanted. But then I really wanted to see how I look nude other than to myself so I answered a couple ads looking for models for photo shoots. The one that got me really crazy was the one where the photographer wanted me to m********* for him. I did and he took over 200 photos of me. It was so hot to get those pics and also so objectifying. I started answering more ads and eventually I ended up modeling for a guy who started with pics and just bit by bit worked on my inhibitions to where now he pays me sometimes twice a week to go to his place and let him do all kinds of degrading things until he c***. He gave my number to one of his friends and sure enough he called and sure enough I am now pleasing him. It's getting crazy, between the two of them my weekends are just a blur.
I now realize I am doing the same thing with them is similar to what my uncle did to me, but I can't stop because that is what I know how to do and in the moment I am totally intoxicated and turned on being degraded and used. I want to stop but once they hand over the cash and tell me to strip, it's like a trigger and I am just theirs for the using. I was thinking about seeing a therapist but I feel so ashamed to reveal this. I guess this is a start.