I still feel depressed

I tried taking pills I tried hanging myself I got caught went to the hospital stay there for a week lied my way out you saw the title I’m still depressed I hate my life but part of me wants to stay because I don’t know if I have a meaning in life and I feel like I do I could change the world bad or good but part of me wants to take drugs and drink and feel depressed and kill myself sometimes I get sad and do something that I regret and then move on I always think about jumping off a bridge different ways to die but I can’t die what happens if I am the one that needs to be alive for the future I know it sounds weird and crazy but what happens if there is a meaning of my life I don’t know what to do what should I do?