I don't know how to support or be supported

I've come to realize why I refuse to receive any kind of emotional support from others. It's because I don't have the social skills or emotional maturity to support others. So whenever someone sees that I'm emotionally unwell and offers support, I always refuse, since I know that if they ever need help in the future I won't be able to return the favor.
Because of this, I haven't form a close relationship with another human being in years. It's painfully lonely, but until I somehow learn the basic social skills I never learned when I was younger I'll probably be stuck like this. I don't want to receive love and kindness from others knowing that I can't give them anything in return.
I was never forced to make friends and interact with others when I was younger, so I never learned how to connect with others emotionally. I don't know how to be a friend, how to love or be loved. I literally don't know how to be anything other than a f****** burden.
I have everything I need to succeed too. I have a loving family who would gladly spend time with me and old friends who want to reconnect. But I can't bring myself to join them. I don't know what I could possibly offer.
Part of me wants them to hate me. I want them to reject and abandon me the same way I've effectively abandoned them so that I am forced to better myself. But they just continue to accept me, and I just don't get why.
Ever since I was a kid, I never understood the basic concepts of friendship and unconditional love. I didn't have friends, I had people who hung out with me. I didn't love my parents either. I was grateful for what they did, but I never felt that feeling of familial love that everyone else seems to experience.
Is there something wrong with me?

Oct 11, 2020

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