I fear being cancelled because of past behavior
For the past 10 years or so I have been in fear of being "cancelled" for past behavior some of which I am not proud of and I have questioned the extent of the damage that it may have caused to another person.
Namely, it revolves around my relationship with women.
I consider myself to be a pretty considerate dude- I've always been particularly conscientious of consent being that my mother is a victim herself and since I began dating she constantly pounded into my head that I should always ask a girl if she is comfortable with what's happening.
In middle school I did stuff with a girl and I was almost certainly too young to be doing (I licked her b****) and after that she accused me of raping her but years later we were cool. That's kind of when this started.
When I was 16, I dated this girl who was 15 (it was overall a pretty awkward relationship) and eventually we ended up doing some "heavy petting" type stuff (I f******* her) and long story short the relationship didn't really work out but we were coolish and time went by and it didn't really seem like anything was amiss. Recently, one of her friends posted a thing on her instagram story "if I am following your abuser DM me and I will unfollow them" and shortly thereafter she unfollowed me. I am aware all of this sounds really, really, dumb but bear with me.
I don't know when, but the ex in reference unfollowed me and I wondered if it was because she thought I had hurt her or assaulted her. Now, whenever someone unfollows me I am convinced it's because of this.
I question every interaction I have with women, ever since the thing in middle school. I live with guilt for almost every time I have slept with a woman for fear I may have raped them or something.
I worry that I have been living 10+ years as an awful, abusive and horrible person and it is going to bite me in the ass. I would love to have a career in something but i feel like because of my past experiences that's off the table. I know this s*** sounds insane but really it's eating me alive