Where I went to highschool in Idaho I was a solid 7.5 on the hotness scale. I'm not exactly what you would call pretty (nose too big) or skinny (butt too big) or rich. But if you picked 4 girls at random from my class and one of them was me, on average one of the 4 would hotter than me and the other two less hot.
These minor personal issues didn't pose a huge problem in the small town where I grew up. The median level of hotness and richness there was, let's say, moderate.
When I started my freshamn year of college in SoCal, though, the situation was, um, different. It was just a regular state university, but nonetheless it quickly became apparent that I was a chubby hick by comparison to the average girl there. The cool kids table was well out of reach. There were girls running around who were so thin it looked like they might break if they bent over to tie their $300 sneakers. There was a beautiful girl in my dorm who had a big tattoo on her neck and also had a red Ferrari kept off campus in a private garage. She had a valet number she could call and they'd bring it to wherever she happened to be when she was in the mood to drive it. There were so many girls (and some guys) who had had plastic surgery done that sometimes I'd look around a room and imagine I was surrounded by robots or space aliens. OK, so I'm exaggerating a little. (not about Ferrari-girl tho - she's real, :) but the point is I felt like an idiot at first trying to talk to people and make friends. So of course I tried too hard which made it worse.
The first two weeks in the new dorm didn't go super well. The problem was compounded by the fact that everybody but me had a roommate. This made me seem weird to my dorm neighbors. Like maybe I had killed my roommate and eaten her or something. And it also caused me to spend many hours alone in my room for the first time in my life. In Idaho I shared a room with my two younger sisters. I spent years wishing for more alone time, but when it finally came, not so great. True, I was able to rub one out whenever I wanted for that two weeks, but I was too depressed and freaked out to really enjoy it. Ok, I guess it would be more true to say that I enjoyed it quite a lot while I was doing it, but the end result was just me feeling sadder.
On Monday of my third week in Cally my roomate finally showed up. I was hoping somehow that fate would send me a nerdy small town girl to be my bff. So my heart sank a little when Key walked in. She was (probably still is) tiny, beautiful, confident. Her clothes were casual and also amazing. She's half Persian, from Orange County, perfectly golden colored,long straight brown hair, huge green eyes. Standing next to her made me feel like an inferior knock-off brand of human, and I could hear the fear and clumsiness in my own voice from the second I said hello to her. My mind raced looking for a solution that would free me from my paralyzing discomfort. How can I sleep five feet away from this exquisite person? Maybe I could buy a tent and live under the oak tree on the quad, crying in my sleeping bag and mumbling to myself while I flick my bean like a crazy homeless lady?
But Key did save me after all. She had a sort of magical charisma about her that quickly made me feel more at ease. Even when I stuttered or said something stupid she didn't eye-roll or condescend to me like other 18 year old females would have. She treated me like a friend from the start, really listened to me. I believe she genuinely liked me. I was kind of approaching a crisis point before she came but because of her everything suddenly seemed ok. I'll be grateful to her forever for that.
In Idaho the social order was that kids tended to pair off into couples in the last two years of highschool, but in my new home folks didn't mostly seem to be doing the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. So I was surprised to find out that Key actually did have a serious boyfriend, that she was even semi-planning on marrying someday. I wasn't surprised, though, when I saw a picture of him and discovered that he was also incredibly beautiful. 6'3, perfect teeth, perfect everything, not a single blond hair out of place. His perfect d*** was not on display in the picture but I knew it was still perfect anyway. How could it not be?
Kyle wasn't around that much because he tended to stay busy indoor rock climbing and outdoor racing mountain bikes. I assumed he was also probably bottle-feeding endangered baby animals and possibly working to cure cancer as well. He was just so beautiful and impressive that I could only imagine him doing things that benefitted all mankind. Ok, truth be told I also got pretty good at imagining him f****** me doggy style on a beaskin rug in a very exclusive ski lodge I made up:P
But of course I was terrified of him. The worst thing was that I sort of loved him at first sight, so I was afraid that if I was too nice to him my secret love for him would be revealed. Then I'd be exposed as a pathetic failed boyfriend-stealer and forced to buy that tent. But he was super nice and friendly to me, so being stand-offish just didn't work. Accustomed, I'm sure, to girls melting rather than resisting his charm he never even seemed to notice my obvious fear of him. It still baffles me how certain people can do that - win me over with a smile and make me open up despite my best efforts to the contrary. It's like witchcraft.
So after a month of college I was in a much better headspace. Key and I would talk for hours sometimes about hopes and dreams and whatnot and I gradually began it realize that she was (probably still is) human in most respects despite appearances to the contrary. She missed her dog, she was annoyed and even a little jealous that a friend at another college was flirt-texting Kyle, that kind of stuff. But what happened next totally threw me for a loop.
Key had this annual first of October 5 day family Disney trip coming up. This was something she had been doing with her mom and her grandmother and her aunts since like birth or whatever. Totally obligatory and uncancellable. But she didn't want to leave Kyle alone for five days. He couldn't go because it was a strictly and emphatically girls-only tradition. And to top it off his birthday fell slap in the middle of the trip dates.
Key thought about it and decided that Kyle would almost certainly cheat on her while she was gone, and then she would have to remove him at least temporarily from the boyfriend position on general principles. This would put her semi-plan to marry him in serious jeopardy.
I thought she was wrong about the whole thing. She had no evidence that Kyle ever had cheated on her, or ever would. Plus if he wanted to cheat he'd just do it. Her going to see Mickey Mouse or not didn't really have anything to do with it. It was just a fake problem she had made up for herself. Not what I expected from her. More like the sort of paranoid fantasy that I would dream up to torture myself with.
But when I gave her my opinion she said maybe that was true but why take a chance?
So her first thought was that I should "keep an eye" on Kyle while she was gone. What does that even mean? I asked. Kyle and I get along great but we don't hang out without you. There's no scenario where me "keeping an eye" on him would be anything but obviously weird. She knew I was right, but I could see from the look on her face the wheels were still turning. So I'll tell him he is required to hang out with you while I'm gone she said. And you'll take him to his stupid Sushi place on his birthday. And... She paused for a moment. More wheels turning. You'll love the stupid sushi no matter how gross it is because it's his birthday, and then you'll suck his d***, also because it's his birthday.
This last bit was quite unexpected. Surreal even. It was one of those situations where yes or no were both the wrong answer, and not answering at all would be even worse. So I said ok. But I had a way out, or so I thought. I added "but I'm pretty sure that's not something he wants to happen. So I'll offer but he'll probably say no." I was thinking that I would not offer and he would not ask, and all good. Danger averted.
Maybe you are right she said. At those words I unclenched my butt and relaxed a little. I'm going to call him when he get back down from the mountain and ask him. Re-clench! I opened my mouth to object but the look on her face told me it was time to shut up.
She left and I spent the next three hours in a state of abject panic. If he says no thank you, rejection and major humiliation. If he says yes thank you my fail b****** skills will ruin his birthday, Key will hate me for not refusing to do it in the first place, major humiliation, move into tent. And plus I had never even tried sushi lol.
Key came back eventually. Ok, it's on. She said nonchallantly. Before I could open my mouth she started thanking me and saying what a great friend I was being and just generally making it absolutely impossible to weasel out gracefully. So I didn't even try.
The birthday was the third night after Key had left, but Kyle came over within an hour after she walked out our door.
It was by far the best s** of my life, and it just kept